Yelly Writes

Painful wakefulness

I started writing this entry at 23:23.   

I am awake, sitting on my couch and in pain.  I just wanted to stop crying about the pain my back was putting me through.  So I climbed out of bed, walked gingerly out of the bedroom and walked to my front room.  And then sobbed.  

It currently hurts to breath.  But it only hurts on the left side of my body.  My muscles are punishing me for doing something.  I’m not sure what.

So instead of focusing on the pain, I started breathing exercises to push through the pain.  Then I started thinking “Ooooh maybe I can read something to take my mind of trying to forget the pain.”  Because I always think engaging my brain helps me deal with whatever hurts – whether it’s a physical pain or something else. 

So now, I’m blogging.  Which is quite the surprise.  I haven’t actually written anything spontaneously in a very long while.  So in a way, I am thankful for the muscle pain that prompted me to get up.  It doesn’t matter whether or not this post makes sense or is at all positive (I’m writing about pain, so I’m thinking that’s a negative).  What’s important is that I’m writing again.  

I’ve got a few catch up posts to write.  Posts that I started whilst I was at home in the Philippines or in the weeks after I came home.  I need to be a little more disciplined about writing.  It is really like a muscle (hellooooo pain reference!), that needs to be exercised.  The longer I leave writing, the harder it is to approach the writing inertia.

And funnily enough, the only way to fight the writing inertia is to fight against the writing inertia.  What a predicament, eh?

It’s 23:34.  Not bad for 11 minutes work, huh?  It’s not exactly groundbreaking or profound.  But at least I’ve started writing again!

Advertisements
Yelly Writes

When I get there…bygones!

“Wisdom tells us that the best time for silence is when we are mad or upset.”
– John Patrick Hickey, Oops Did I Really Post That?

 

I am working on a very important project.

I am working on ME.  I thought I was over this thing, but like a masochist out for pain, I still needle the emotional scab and allow the pain (and all the negative emotions that go with it: anger, annoyance, impatience, self-doubt, pettiness, you get the idea).  I repeatedly told myself to draw a line.  I told myself that I wasn’t going to let this overtake my life.  But it was still there, like an irritating mosquito buzzing, hovering in the background.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that I was going about this whole thing the wrong way.  I was telling myself that I shouldn’t let myself get angry; I shouldn’t give in to the negativity; that the high road was to let this go.  But in going into denial about how I felt was negating myself.  I was, basically, telling myself I was wrong.  I was invalidating my own opinions.  Granted, it wasn’t the healthiest of situations, and sometimes you just want to just get on with your life.  But I wasn’t moving on.

I have allowed myself to be angry.  I have allowed myself to feel the hurt.  I have actually said to myself, “Well, I didn’t draw first blood, so it’s okay to feel offended and violated!”  I have actually allowed my inner mean girl, my inner Regina George to come to the fore.  I am allowed to lash out.  If only verbally and if only to myself and the bathroom mirror.

I will continue write things out, because I process things better when I write things down.  I think the trick is to allow myself to feel my feelings.  Because they’re mine.  One can immerse in the feelings, but it is important to remember that it’s not healthy to stay submerged in these feelings until one goes emotionally pruney.  I think I’ve been able to express my feelings enough.  Maybe I will try to not talk about it (fat chance of that happening as when I am angry, I keep wanting to talk about it!  Silence and keeping schtumm when angry is still something I need to learn.).

I know one day I will be able to say the immortal words of Richard Fish in Ally McBeal: “Bygones” and mean it.  Until then, I will keep on keeping and keep on healing.