Yelly Writes

It’s foggy out there!

You know when you start something new, it feels like you know nothing, you’re completely inept, you feel slow to respond and everything just makes you panic?

Yeah, that was never me.

I always said that I thrived in challenging situations and, as long as it was a learning environment, I would excel. It was something I was proud of. It was one of my strengths that I always counted on. Adversity never really properly phased me. I would always say to people that I would want to be thrown in the deep end so that I could figure out what I had to do. I would eventually start swimming (and I can actually swim in real life!). I could always adapt and adjust. I was quick to do that. I was good at doing that.

Until recently.

I’m still trying to find out exactly when things became difficult when I couldn’t depend on my ability to think. Because surely, there were signs. There must have been a starting point for this descent into this unfamiliar landscape enveloped by crippling uncertainty. In the past 9 months, I would find myself answering questions with “I don’t know!” and for someone who always “knew” this was a terrifying place to be. How could I not know? How could I not figure it out in my head?

Especially during this time, when I was the only person I could count on, how could I not know things.

I’ve been trying to read up on this and every time I type what I’m going through (I guess you can call it my symptoms), Google just keeps coming up with brain fog. Brain fog is generally characterised by confusion, forgetfulness, a lack of focus, and mental clarity. I’d add anxiety, terror, and self-loathing to that list but I guess those are my specific symptoms.

Brain fog is real and is acknowledged and apparently is caused by stress, nutritional deficits, lack of sleep, hormonal changes, medical conditions…if this was a tick box exercise, I’d say I can tick all the boxes

I’ve finally decided to seek professional advice about it. Because saying “I don’t know” no longer works. The more I say I don’t know, the more terrified I become. I cannot not know. I need to know because I can’t function like this anymore. I am never one to make excuses for my shortcomings. I’ve always admitted to mistakes. I am usually the first to say mea culpa. Saying “I don’t know”, to me , is a cop out.

The doctor’s appointment can’t happen soon enough!

Are you going through something like this? Do you have advice? Do you have any short term quick solutions? Any kind of help is welcome!

I really just want to know who I am again!

Yelly Writes

Week 1 done!

So, this is my first entry for 2019!

New year and new (recycled) resolutions. Have you written written down yours?

I’ve said I would, this year, do the following:

  • Write more (either blog or journal, although, great Instagram captions might apply?)
  • Read more
  • Get healthy (no that’s not a metaphor for me gaining weight, on the contrary, I need to lose weight, lower my blood sugar levels and move more)
  • Take more photographs (for the blog, for Instagram and for my personal development)
  • Finish the Instaretreat (I am such a good starter but a very weak finisher. I need help and motivation!)
  • Bake and cook more (and write about it, hey, it’s two birds with one stone! Yay me!)

I’ve been busy with real life and the past few weeks have been quite the challenge. I have been adjusting to my new meds (that’s another blog, in itself. But it takes courage to write it down for all and sundry to see. I’m not quite that brave yet!), and they make me really sluggish. But I’m trying to find ways to deal with the sluggishness and the excuses I make for being stuck in the inertia of inactivity.

The week started with me hitting the ground running. It was a short week, but was it ever so busy. The work just kept running and I just felt that some of the people I worked for were throwing stuff at me because they wanted to hold my attention for longer. I used to work for just one person but now that I’m working for 3 directors, someone feels a little less looked after. Bless! I can be magnanimous now but at times this week, I’ve had to bite my tongue and sit on my hands and give in to my desire to say, “Hey, I know what you’re up to, and I’m not falling for the rank-pulling! What are you, five?!” But I didn’t…and I am proud of myself.

I’ve put together a book list and I’ve started with a humdinger of a read. I’m reading Laura Purcell’s The Silent Companions. Have you read it? What are your thoughts? Unlike some people, I don’t mind spoilers because I do get stuck in and despite knowing the end, I still, somehow, get surprised (if there is an unexpected twist). Opinions are welcome! Oh and if you are reading something, what are you reading? I’m curious!

The kitchen in my tiny little flat has been busy this weekend. I’ve actually managed to make banana jam. Why banana jam, you ask? Because Alan and I went to Yotam Ottolenghi’s Spitalfields restaurant and I fell in love with the banana jam (it’s slathered on that lovely piece of sourdough on the the left in the picture below).

Alan found the recipe and I couldn’t believe something delicious only had 5 ingredients and it was so easy to do! I’ll have to remember not to scarf down my banana jam-laden piece of toast and take a photo for the blog (and my food IG account @yellyeats…yep, I’m not ashamed to self promote!). I’m told (by the blog I read it from) that this recipe isn’t in any of Ottolenghi’s books so if you’re interested in making it, the recipe I used Belleau Kitchen’s measurements and it’s ever so yummy. I will, however, take a page from Dominic’s book and tweak it so that it becomes my version of the recipe. I do have a few more bananas left so I guess that means I’m baking banana bread again!

In terms of health, I am going to charge up my Fitbit again and start counting steps again. I’m going for 10,000 steps or more every day. Fingers crossed!

I’ve got to stop now as I do need to finish washing up and making a fish pie for supper. It’s been a lazy weekend but a busy one too! What have you been up to?

Yelly Writes

Painful wakefulness

I started writing this entry at 23:23.   

I am awake, sitting on my couch and in pain.  I just wanted to stop crying about the pain my back was putting me through.  So I climbed out of bed, walked gingerly out of the bedroom and walked to my front room.  And then sobbed.  

It currently hurts to breath.  But it only hurts on the left side of my body.  My muscles are punishing me for doing something.  I’m not sure what.

So instead of focusing on the pain, I started breathing exercises to push through the pain.  Then I started thinking “Ooooh maybe I can read something to take my mind of trying to forget the pain.”  Because I always think engaging my brain helps me deal with whatever hurts – whether it’s a physical pain or something else. 

So now, I’m blogging.  Which is quite the surprise.  I haven’t actually written anything spontaneously in a very long while.  So in a way, I am thankful for the muscle pain that prompted me to get up.  It doesn’t matter whether or not this post makes sense or is at all positive (I’m writing about pain, so I’m thinking that’s a negative).  What’s important is that I’m writing again.  

I’ve got a few catch up posts to write.  Posts that I started whilst I was at home in the Philippines or in the weeks after I came home.  I need to be a little more disciplined about writing.  It is really like a muscle (hellooooo pain reference!), that needs to be exercised.  The longer I leave writing, the harder it is to approach the writing inertia.

And funnily enough, the only way to fight the writing inertia is to fight against the writing inertia.  What a predicament, eh?

It’s 23:34.  Not bad for 11 minutes work, huh?  It’s not exactly groundbreaking or profound.  But at least I’ve started writing again!

Yelly Writes

Migraine malaise

Since late Saturday night I have had a constant companion.

Nope, am not talking about Alan.  I wouldn’t mind having Alan around all the time at all!  If anything, if he wasn’t around I don’t think I’d have survived the last few days.  I’ve been visited by quite a mean migraine.  It started late Saturday night.  I didn’t really think of it as a migraine, as such.  I thought it was just a headache.  I thought that if I went to bed, it would go by the time I woke up on Sunday.  No such thing happened!

I woke up with a stonking-make-me-cry-buckets-like-a-baby headache.  I moved, my headache pounded.  I shifted, I felt nauseated.  Even a faraway neighbour’s dog barking was causing me torturous pain!  Everything looked intensely bright, like everything was a huge, over-exposed photograph.  I felt like my head was going to explode!  I blubbered whilst I was talking to my parents and sister, occasionally asking them not to talk to loudly (I don’t think they were talking too loud though).  So finally, I took massively strong pain killers and burrowed under the duvet and slept.  I woke up nearly 3 hours later feeling like my head had been hit by a sledgehammer then wrapped in a turban.  I was not well.

I stupidly thought that I would be able to manage work on Monday.  I pushed myself, despite the throbbing head, to finish an entire day of work.  I went home barely able to make it up the steps without crying out for someone to carry me up to the train platform.  For the first time in a very long time, I actually enjoyed sitting in the cold wind because the cold helped ease my headache!  But I got home and I was a useless shell of a human being (I probably wasn’t but I certainly felt like it!  I felt absolutely spent!).  I didn’t go to work the following day and then took myself off to the doctors’ to get checked.

I got signed off from work for a week, but did I stay home?  Nooooo!  I got up the following day, got ready for work despite the massive headache and took the hour-long train ride to work because my sick note said “until migraine settles” and I thought that if I worked, my migraine would settle.  But I got sent home!  Mostly because I was signed off and wasn’t fit to work and my firm wasn’t insured in case anything happened to me at work on account of my current state of unfitness.

Fast forward 48 hours and I am climbing the walls a tiny bit bored.  It’s weird because I can definitely say I feel much better because my headache isn’t as bad, but it hasn’t left.  My head doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode anytime soon though.  That’s a vast improvement!

I have my fingers crossed that I am going to get better soon.  I am a bit tired of this headache…and a bit annoyed with it now.

Yelly Writes

Be careful what you wish for!

I remember myself saying this several times during a conversation whilst I was making tea at work:  “I wish I’d get properly sick just so that I can get over it!”

I did just that.  Get properly ill.  Could not get up out of bed, had no energy, had a massive headache and just felt like death.  I still feel that way today but as I’ve been off work properly for a week (I went to work on Tuesday, but went home after 3 hours!) I need to go to work on Monday.  Although, if I’m honest, I don’t feel like I am actually well already.

Be careful what you wish for.  Because sometimes when you get what you want, it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to.  That being said, I’d love the win the lottery.  Properly.

Yes please!

Yelly Writes

Day 6 of the hand

I have stopped taking pain killers for the hand and although there is pain still, at least, the pain isn’t masked by pain killers now.  So in effect, it is now “real” pain.

I’m typing as normally as I can today to sort of acclimatise my hand to the kind of thing I’ll be subjecting it to soon.  I find that there is pain when I use my pinky, ring and index finger (so yes, mostly all my fingers!).  The pain is mostly in the area where the surgery was done.  It is my goal today to get an appointment with the doctor so the hand can be looked at and I can reassure myself that I won’t be doing it any damage by going back to work a week after the surgery.

One of the lovely ladies at work has very kindly (and in a way that only a mum can) told me to stay put for the entire time that I’ve been signed off because I mustn’t do my hand any undue damage.  I do realise though that I need to be patient with myself and that I need to give myself time to heal properly.

That being said, though, I am determined to go back to work this week.  Being left alone with just daytime TV and my thoughts can, sometimes, not be very good!

Yelly Writes

The problem with the hand

I haven’t baked anything because of my stupid hand.

My left hand is swollen and I can’t close it to make a fist without pain shooting up my arm and down to my fingers.  Carpal tunnel syndrome strikes again!



In other news, after sending my contact details as they requested, no, Tefal still hasn’t gotten in touch.  Typical.

Yelly Writes

Surviving hump day!

It’s only Wednesday and I am completely shattered!

I told myself the fatigue was probably because I’ve allowed myself to go full throttle this week on the work front.  I have been taking it slightly easier than usual at work because I’ve been recovering from a nasty throat infection (which I ignored at first because I thought it was hayfever!).  Monday morning was my last dose of antibiotic and the prescription meds seem to have worked.  My tonsils don’t look so huge now (I did say at one point that my tonsils were so big they needed their own post code!) but every now and then I still feel a twinge of pain and I must admit, I am worried that I haven’t quite kicked the infection yet.  I must remember to book an appointment to see the doctor again, to just check.

I got home slightly late today because a teenager stupidly drove his motorbike through the railway.  Just as the train was passing through.  He wasn’t hurt but was obviously shaken.  I think he was thrown from his bike.  Because when I looked out the train window, his bike was lying VERY near the tracks and he was about 3 feet away from said motorbike.  He also looked very afraid.  Afraid enough to yell at the driver, in a very worried voice, “I’m sorry!”  Even through the closed windows and doors of the train, you could hear the tremor of fear in his voice.  He suddenly looked very young, ringing his hands and his face flushed bright red.  The poor thing.  It makes you shake your head really.  Why do kids do stupid things like run a motorbike through a railway track?

In other news, I have broken the unofficial baking embargo by baking tonight.  It will be coconut and jam slices.  I am excited!  I am baking again!

Yelly Writes

One month anniversary…

…of not being able to blog!

It frustrates me that I haven’t been able to devote any time at all to blogging of late.  I seem to always be apologising to everyone and no one for not being able to write anything.  But sometimes I wonder, are you listening out there…anyone?

I am sitting in my front room guiltily typing out words while I am off sick from work.  I’ve had what seems to be a throat infection for a few days now.  My throat still hurts like heck, even after a 3-day course of antibiotics.  I have had tonsillitis since moving to the UK but not quite this bad.  I’ve had to take one day off but that was mostly to make sure I rested.  I took most of Thursday and all of Friday off sick and yet I still find myself without energy.  I’m hoping to get another doctor’s appointment so that I can be checked to see if this isn’t anything more than a throat infection (I am listening to the doctors’ surgery hold music as I type!).

But to go back to my blogging issue, as with everything in my life, I think I need to just sit down and be devoted to it.  I used to be.  When I started blogging I used to be vigilant, I used to blog nearly everyday.  And not too long ago, I managed to post one entry a day!  The excuse that work is more involved does not fly because I used to blog even when I was terribly busy!  I guess the difference is that, now, I can’t blog at work.

I really need to devote myself to this.  I am going to embark in another blog revamp and I think that’s what’s the most daunting for me.  I want to make sure my blog entries are more focused and that my blog is a bit more of what I want it to look like!  I’m seriously considering getting my own domain and seriously committing myself to writing more and writing better blog entries!

What say you dear reader?  I would love to hear your thoughts!