Yelly Writes

Arrested development

We’ve heard it all before…the old adage that age is just a number.

I turn a year older in exactly 14 days.  It’s a milestone birthday.  But I don’t think I feel my age.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I am getting older.  My body never passes up the opportunity to let me know that I’m aging – I’m finding more gray hair, I’m seeing tiny wrinkles starting, my hair is thinning, my metabolism (darn it!) is slowing down, and I am plagued with aching joints and muscles.

The thing is, I don’t feel old.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing.  There are times when I feel underdeveloped, immature, inexperienced and juvenile.  There are spring lambs who seem to be more mature, more street smart than me.  Like I didn’t grow up quite the way I should have, like I didn’t really have the right social skills that a person of my age is expected to have.

I know, I know!  You’ll probably all say that I shouldn’t base my self-judgement on the dictates of society.  But I can’t help it!  Sometimes I feel completely inadequate.

So I’m going to start a journey of rediscovery.  It’s really been something that started a few months ago.  I was craving change.  I wanted improvement in my life and I was really annoyed myself because I knew I would be plagued with procrastination and inertia.  This is why I’ve started reading inspirational books, I’ve started paying attention to all the  articles about self-development articles that I’ve subscribed to.  I’ve started to seek inspiration because I’m determined to make some sort of change this year.

I’m consumed by this desire to change my life, to be happier, to be more successful, to be more driven, to be healthier…and not because I want to everyone to envy me (well, okay, maybe I want everyone to look at me and say, “Wow, look at her!”…maybe just a little.  I’m only human!), I want to look at my life and feel a sense of achievement, to know that I achieved the goals I set for myself.  I know I’ve had achievements, I know I’ve made a difference, but I want something else.  I can’t exactly articulate it.  But I want to be able to tick things off my list and go, “Well, there you go!  I’ve finally done it!”

The sad thing is, I don’t exactly know what it is.  I’m not completely sure what I want to be, who I want to be and it’s funny because there are times when I wonder, who I am and if I’ve lost my identity.

My ball has stopped rolling.  I am unmoving.

But this year, it will be different.  I will start identifying my want to-do’s and I will get them done!

Time to start moving again!

Yelly Writes

Day 6 of the hand

I have stopped taking pain killers for the hand and although there is pain still, at least, the pain isn’t masked by pain killers now.  So in effect, it is now “real” pain.

I’m typing as normally as I can today to sort of acclimatise my hand to the kind of thing I’ll be subjecting it to soon.  I find that there is pain when I use my pinky, ring and index finger (so yes, mostly all my fingers!).  The pain is mostly in the area where the surgery was done.  It is my goal today to get an appointment with the doctor so the hand can be looked at and I can reassure myself that I won’t be doing it any damage by going back to work a week after the surgery.

One of the lovely ladies at work has very kindly (and in a way that only a mum can) told me to stay put for the entire time that I’ve been signed off because I mustn’t do my hand any undue damage.  I do realise though that I need to be patient with myself and that I need to give myself time to heal properly.

That being said, though, I am determined to go back to work this week.  Being left alone with just daytime TV and my thoughts can, sometimes, not be very good!

Yelly Writes

Struggling

I am struggling to blog these days.

While I would love nothing more than to blog about food, the books I’ve read (I’ve managed to finish reading Jojo Moyes’ Me Before You!  Hurray me!), the places Alan and I have been to eat, the musicals I’ve seen, it feels a bit self-indulgent.  My father is still very ill and I feel that any enjoyment I feel about my life here is not allowed.  He would say otherwise of course, because he has always said that I should live my life, that I should live the life I dreamed.  But I cannot help but feel selfish.

I will write properly because to write about them would be honouring my father’s wishes.  But right now I will allow myself to worry about him.  Tomorrow is Sunday and Skype day.  I will be able to chat with them and see all of them.

There are days when my grip on my faith is loosed by doubt.  Why is my Abba still ill?  Why is God letting him go through all this pain?  But then I am reminded that these are questions that I mustn’t really ask.  Because the God I believe in does not want His children to suffer.  The God I believe in will turn a bad situation into a good one.  The God I believe in is the God that heals.  The God I believe in is a God who will take His children in His arms and comfort them.  I know that I cannot understand my God’s wisdom because that is beyond my understanding.  I must trust in His plan.

In His perfect time and according to His perfect plan.

That is what I must hold on to.

Yelly Writes

Breaking the silence…again!

This is becoming a blog-a-month kind of thing.  I’m not happy about that though.  I seem to have lost my writing mojo.  I love writing but life seems to have overtaken my writing aspirations.  What to do?  What does one do?  How does one conquer writing block?!?  How does one climb over the writing wall?!?

Sometimes I look at the social wasteland that is my social life and I wonder what in the world has happened?!?  I used to go out for coffee with friends, go window shopping, blog loads and be interesting!  Now I only have thoughts that never get written down, that never get expressed.  I have become a jumble of insecurities and unrealised dreams.  I am completely homesick and I feel like I haven’t achieved anything at all!

I’ve tried everything:  post-a-day, post-a-week, post-a-photo, post about food, post about cooking, post-a-whinge, post-a-peeve, deadlines for posts (this particular attempt at encouraging more blogs reminds me of a quote from one of my favourite movies of all time, Julie and Julia,Julie Powell’s husband Eric said about deadlines — “I love deadlines, I love the sound they make as they go whooshing past!”).  These tools don’t seem to encourage the blogging juices!

Frustrated am I!

Whinge over.

Yelly Writes

The Wall

I have hit the proverbial writing wall.

I’ve got so many things I want to write about, I’ve take so many pictures that I want to post and I’ve started writing the blog entries, but I can’t seem to finish anything!  In my head I know exactly what I want to write about, I know exactly what elements are part of the entry but as I sit in front of my PC and look at that blinking cursor, I freeze.  The words just won’t come!

I think the writing muses have gone away somewhere.  I’m thinking they’ve gone to somewhere warm and sunny.  I feel a bit put out that they didn’t invite me on their spring break!  I really wish they would come back.  I really want to start writing again.