Yelly Writes

Arrested development

We’ve heard it all before…the old adage that age is just a number.

I turn a year older in exactly 14 days.  It’s a milestone birthday.  But I don’t think I feel my age.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I am getting older.  My body never passes up the opportunity to let me know that I’m aging – I’m finding more gray hair, I’m seeing tiny wrinkles starting, my hair is thinning, my metabolism (darn it!) is slowing down, and I am plagued with aching joints and muscles.

The thing is, I don’t feel old.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing.  There are times when I feel underdeveloped, immature, inexperienced and juvenile.  There are spring lambs who seem to be more mature, more street smart than me.  Like I didn’t grow up quite the way I should have, like I didn’t really have the right social skills that a person of my age is expected to have.

I know, I know!  You’ll probably all say that I shouldn’t base my self-judgement on the dictates of society.  But I can’t help it!  Sometimes I feel completely inadequate.

So I’m going to start a journey of rediscovery.  It’s really been something that started a few months ago.  I was craving change.  I wanted improvement in my life and I was really annoyed myself because I knew I would be plagued with procrastination and inertia.  This is why I’ve started reading inspirational books, I’ve started paying attention to all the  articles about self-development articles that I’ve subscribed to.  I’ve started to seek inspiration because I’m determined to make some sort of change this year.

I’m consumed by this desire to change my life, to be happier, to be more successful, to be more driven, to be healthier…and not because I want to everyone to envy me (well, okay, maybe I want everyone to look at me and say, “Wow, look at her!”…maybe just a little.  I’m only human!), I want to look at my life and feel a sense of achievement, to know that I achieved the goals I set for myself.  I know I’ve had achievements, I know I’ve made a difference, but I want something else.  I can’t exactly articulate it.  But I want to be able to tick things off my list and go, “Well, there you go!  I’ve finally done it!”

The sad thing is, I don’t exactly know what it is.  I’m not completely sure what I want to be, who I want to be and it’s funny because there are times when I wonder, who I am and if I’ve lost my identity.

My ball has stopped rolling.  I am unmoving.

But this year, it will be different.  I will start identifying my want to-do’s and I will get them done!

Time to start moving again!

Yelly Writes

Change required

I have been ill for a week now.  I’ve had a massively bad migraine attack and I stayed home properly from work on Thursday.  The migraine happened on Sunday (although I felt what was probably the beginnings of it on Saturday evening) and I was suffering through a very painful head for most of the week.  It didn’t help that I forced myself to do a full day at work on the Monday.  I did the smart thing on Tuesday and stayed home and went to the doctor’s surgery.  They prescribed migraine meds (thankfully!) and signed me off for a week.  What I did next was worthy of a face-slap though.  I went back to work.  Obviously, I wasn’t allowed to stay because I was signed off and declared not fit to work.  For insurance purposes, my company isn’t allowed to have me in the premises.  I went home with the intention of going to my doctor again and getting myself signed in.

I have, however, stayed home.  Despite the hiccup of Thursday when I sent an email to a client asking them to do something that was a requirement.  I call it a hiccup because I should have, really, laid off work.  Properly.  I did on Friday though.  I haven’t checked my emails since I looked on Thursday morning.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday to get my eyes checked (I was due a check up anyway) and found out that because of my diabetes there is a bleed in my left eye and the doctor has found the beginnings of cloudiness in the lens of my right eye – which in short is the beginnings of cataract.  It’s because I have had amazingly high blood sugar in the past few months.

So I’ve been thinking.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  I’ve got to make a lot of changes.  In my diet, my lifestyle, my life, my environment and in the way I work.  I’ve got to make changes because my future depends on it.

And the good thing about this is that the inertia I’ve allowed myself to be surrounded by is suddenly not there because I have had a huge wake up call.  If I want my life to get better, I’ve got to make changes.

Yelly Writes

Sometimes you just need rest!

I have been quite stressed lately…and I think it’s because I’ve been working too hard and I’ve been dealing with…issues.  I’ve had a reflective look back at my life and during the most stressful situations, I’ve noticed that I read a lot of books, fiction mostly.  And during the past 12 months, I’ve been reading up a storm!  My fiction reading is directly proportional to my stress levels (15 books in 6 months is a lot – more than a book every 2 weeks!).  I think I’m this close to a burnout.  I’ve also been reading loads about stress coping strategies and burnouts and how to spot them.  It’s not helping though because I know intrinsically, something’s got to change.

What I really need is a change of place, a change of pace, and…a change.  But tonight I’m going to go to bed and just rest!

nuh-night!