Tag: healing emotionally

Yelly Writes

Shifting Seasons of Loss: Grief, Waves and Personal Growth

Yelly
@yellywelly

Some days carry grief quietly. Tonight, let it speak, then let it rest. — Unknown

I’ve put off dealing with a lot of things – the inevitable grief that comes from losing both parents whom I love very dearly in a span of 4 years, the end of relationships that I thought would stand the test of time and personal growth, accepting burnout, and the need to step back from toxic environments. But my body and my mind had other plans. They both demanded that I stop and step back.

The Universe also conspired to give me the time to actually start dealing with everything. Things fell into place, and I had the time and space. Also, it was deal with things or basically unravel. I was deathly afraid of unravelling in public, and there were times when it was touch and go. I had to deal with what was going on in my head, my heart, my body, and my soul, or else I really would lose it in a way that I would find it hard to recover from.

One of the things I had to sit down and deal with was the unexpressed grief I’d been carrying with me for so long. It was eating away at me. I needed to sit down, open that box, and look inside.

Grief is never linear, and the process is not straightforward. There are peaks and troughs in the rhythms of grief. There are days when it hums quietly, almost unnoticeable in the background. There are days when it feels like it’s a loud, thundering wildebeest stampede, coming to trample you. Everyone’s experience of grief is different because we move through life differently. We weave through the stages of grief according to our own capacity and capability. And however we do that is okay. It is our individual journey.

Sometimes it will feel like you’re moving back and forth — rebuilding might mean you’re moving in reverse, like you’re facing an identity crisis before you reach a point of understanding. Sometimes you need a wave to crash over you and completely destabilise you so that you can reach a point where you’re stabilised and grounded, because you have a deeper understanding of yourself and what you’re going through.

It’s okay to wail and rail and to let out your grief. That’s part of it. Let it out. Let it shout. Express it. Then let yourself rest and recover.

Yelly Writes

I give it a year…

Yelly
Photo by @yellywelly

For most of us, we get stronger slowly, and then get weaker slowly, with our cycles sometimes in synchrony with the land’s health, though other times independent of its larger cycles…You find yourself as you have always been, square in the middle of the metamorphosis, constantly living and dying: becoming weaker in your strength, finally… ― Rick Bass

The passage of time is relative…sometimes it feels like a day is over in the blink of an eye…and then there are days when it feels like time is dragging its heels.

I started writing this post a year to the day that I left my old life in Harwich. At the time, I was marking the anniversary of the day my entire world shattered into a million tiny pieces (I ended up posting a completely different blog entry). I moved away from a life I thought was going to be my forever life because the person I thought was going to be my forever person decided that I no longer belonged in his reality. Whatever his reasons (I’m sure it will be something I did because it was always my fault), I knew that I was no longer welcome in that environment and that I needed to go (my ex-forever person even helped me find a place to move to, wasn’t that nice of him?). While it was very polite and adult, it was becoming a toxic environment with the potential of becoming a powder keg situation. It was healthier for us to be apart rather than together. At the time, I absorbed all the blame, and even managed to convince myself that it was because I was at fault. After a lot of pragmatic soul-searching, I’ve come to accept that while I am to blame for the disintegration of the relationship, the blame is not entirely mine. I’m telling it like it is without any intention of assigning blame. It takes two people to make and break a relationship. It isn’t always 50/50 because relationships will require sharing the burden of balance, and sometimes, sharing the burden of balance requires that you carry more than half the burden. I know now that my understanding of relationships and the kind of compromises one is required to make was so different from his. I think his understanding didn’t factor in the gray areas (or maybe it did – we didn’t have the important discussions because I don’t think he liked laying himself bare because it made him vulnerable. I’ve accepted that he was all about protecting himself above all else). And that’s okay.

Life has certainly changed for me.

My environment has changed. My relationship status has changed. My living arrangements have changed. My appearance has changed considerably. My routine and habits are changing. My mindset is adapting to the changes in my life. My life is in constant flux and the only constant in my life right now is the certainty that change is a constant companion until I am able to settle into a rhythm that fits the person I am growing into. I’ve accepted that I was in a state of arrested development (because I’d willingly given up my life in order to adjust to the demands of my relationship with the ex) and because I’m no longer in that relationship, it’s as if the pause button has been pressed again and my life is moving forward again. To be fair, it’s probably not an accurate description of how my life is moving because I think my life pivoted when I was in my relationship and now that I’m not in it anymore, it’s pivoted again.

My life is pivoting again.

it certainly makes me wonder what my life will look like next year.

It’s a scary but exciting prospect!

Yelly Writes

Staring at a blank

Yelly

I’m at a loss as to what to say today.  

I’ve been off sick for a couple of days now.  Feeling really unwell and generally blecchy.  I think it’s what my mum used to call general malaise in the sick notes that she used to write for me.  

The weather has turned and it’s Friday evening so the weekend is upon us.  I’m glad for it.  But I’m finding that I can’t get excited about the weekend.  I’m sure there’s something to be excited about, I just don’t know what t is.  

I think it’s okay.  I think it’s okay to not be okay.  

Yelly Writes

When I get there…bygones!

Yelly

“Wisdom tells us that the best time for silence is when we are mad or upset.”
– John Patrick Hickey, Oops Did I Really Post That?

 

I am working on a very important project.

I am working on ME.  I thought I was over this thing, but like a masochist out for pain, I still needle the emotional scab and allow the pain (and all the negative emotions that go with it: anger, annoyance, impatience, self-doubt, pettiness, you get the idea).  I repeatedly told myself to draw a line.  I told myself that I wasn’t going to let this overtake my life.  But it was still there, like an irritating mosquito buzzing, hovering in the background.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that I was going about this whole thing the wrong way.  I was telling myself that I shouldn’t let myself get angry; I shouldn’t give in to the negativity; that the high road was to let this go.  But in going into denial about how I felt was negating myself.  I was, basically, telling myself I was wrong.  I was invalidating my own opinions.  Granted, it wasn’t the healthiest of situations, and sometimes you just want to just get on with your life.  But I wasn’t moving on.

I have allowed myself to be angry.  I have allowed myself to feel the hurt.  I have actually said to myself, “Well, I didn’t draw first blood, so it’s okay to feel offended and violated!”  I have actually allowed my inner mean girl, my inner Regina George to come to the fore.  I am allowed to lash out.  If only verbally and if only to myself and the bathroom mirror.

I will continue write things out, because I process things better when I write things down.  I think the trick is to allow myself to feel my feelings.  Because they’re mine.  One can immerse in the feelings, but it is important to remember that it’s not healthy to stay submerged in these feelings until one goes emotionally pruney.  I think I’ve been able to express my feelings enough.  Maybe I will try to not talk about it (fat chance of that happening as when I am angry, I keep wanting to talk about it!  Silence and keeping schtumm when angry is still something I need to learn.).

I know one day I will be able to say the immortal words of Richard Fish in Ally McBeal: “Bygones” and mean it.  Until then, I will keep on keeping and keep on healing.