“Wisdom tells us that the best time for silence is when we are mad or upset.”
– John Patrick Hickey, Oops Did I Really Post That?
I am working on a very important project.
I am working on ME. I thought I was over this thing, but like a masochist out for pain, I still needle the emotional scab and allow the pain (and all the negative emotions that go with it: anger, annoyance, impatience, self-doubt, pettiness, you get the idea). I repeatedly told myself to draw a line. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let this overtake my life. But it was still there, like an irritating mosquito buzzing, hovering in the background.
In the end, I came to the conclusion that I was going about this whole thing the wrong way. I was telling myself that I shouldn’t let myself get angry; I shouldn’t give in to the negativity; that the high road was to let this go. But in going into denial about how I felt was negating myself. I was, basically, telling myself I was wrong. I was invalidating my own opinions. Granted, it wasn’t the healthiest of situations, and sometimes you just want to just get on with your life. But I wasn’t moving on.
I have allowed myself to be angry. I have allowed myself to feel the hurt. I have actually said to myself, “Well, I didn’t draw first blood, so it’s okay to feel offended and violated!” I have actually allowed my inner mean girl, my inner Regina George to come to the fore. I am allowed to lash out. If only verbally and if only to myself and the bathroom mirror.
I will continue write things out, because I process things better when I write things down. I think the trick is to allow myself to feel my feelings. Because they’re mine. One can immerse in the feelings, but it is important to remember that it’s not healthy to stay submerged in these feelings until one goes emotionally pruney. I think I’ve been able to express my feelings enough. Maybe I will try to not talk about it (fat chance of that happening as when I am angry, I keep wanting to talk about it! Silence and keeping schtumm when angry is still something I need to learn.).
I know one day I will be able to say the immortal words of Richard Fish in Ally McBeal: “Bygones” and mean it. Until then, I will keep on keeping and keep on healing.
Yellywelly 
Aw bless! One day…🙏🙏🙏
I empathize with the piece which you have written so eloquently. I hope you have located the wayfinder marked “Bygones” and have begun travelling down that path, stomping on adversity along the way. Adversity is not a new term in my lexicon; Project ME has been an on-going project in which I continue to work on despite challenges rearing its ugly head along the way. I too continue to travel down that path called “Bygones” — just don’t forget to smell the roses along the way. 🙂
I also couldn’t help notice your blog is sprinkled with quotes demonstrating you have heart and wisdom. I’d like to leave you with one more quote by Carl Gustav Jung, “I am not what happened to me…I am what I choose to become.”
On a final note, I accidentally stumbled onto your blog as I was actually trying to locate a recipe for those CNY Almond Cookies (FYI: your recipe is M.I.A.). Would love if you could share your recipe — the cookies in the picture look delish. While I spent more time on your blog than I care to admit, I enjoyed perusing the contents in your blog. Cheers!
Hi Elle, thank you for your kind words! Thanks too for the note about the cookies as well. I thought I had posted the recipe, but as with most of my recipes, they are almost always in the recipe testing stage and I keep tweaking them! I will be posting them after typing out this reply to you!
Thank you for sharing that Jung quote. It is beautiful and hits the nail on the head. The situation that led me to write the entry has allowed me to get to know myself better and accept that I’m not as good and considerate and magnanimous. I used to struggle with that but I’m okay with that now. I’m hoping that when the situation presents itself that when I react, my reaction will be true to how I really feel and not how I feel that I should react in order to please others.