Our actions are like pebbles thrown into a pond. They create ripples and they spread, affecting the whole pond. Because we are all connected somehow, what we do affects everyone around us. We need to remember that what we do, however insignificant to us, will affect someone else.
I started writing this entry at 23:23.
I am awake, sitting on my couch and in pain. I just wanted to stop crying about the pain my back was putting me through. So I climbed out of bed, walked gingerly out of the bedroom and walked to my front room. And then sobbed.
It currently hurts to breath. But it only hurts on the left side of my body. My muscles are punishing me for doing something. I’m not sure what.
So instead of focusing on the pain, I started breathing exercises to push through the pain. Then I started thinking “Ooooh maybe I can read something to take my mind of trying to forget the pain.” Because I always think engaging my brain helps me deal with whatever hurts – whether it’s a physical pain or something else.
So now, I’m blogging. Which is quite the surprise. I haven’t actually written anything spontaneously in a very long while. So in a way, I am thankful for the muscle pain that prompted me to get up. It doesn’t matter whether or not this post makes sense or is at all positive (I’m writing about pain, so I’m thinking that’s a negative). What’s important is that I’m writing again.
I’ve got a few catch up posts to write. Posts that I started whilst I was at home in the Philippines or in the weeks after I came home. I need to be a little more disciplined about writing. It is really like a muscle (hellooooo pain reference!), that needs to be exercised. The longer I leave writing, the harder it is to approach the writing inertia.
And funnily enough, the only way to fight the writing inertia is to fight against the writing inertia. What a predicament, eh?
It’s 23:34. Not bad for 11 minutes work, huh? It’s not exactly groundbreaking or profound. But at least I’ve started writing again!
“Change occurs slowly. Very often a legal change might take place but the cultural shift required to really accept its spirit lingers in the wings for decades.” ― Sara Sheridan
10 years ago I stepped off a plane at just after 6AM at Heathrow Terminal 5. 10 years ago, I was carrying a Philippine passport. In July, I received my British passport and in it, confirmation that I was a British citizen.
A lot has happened in 10 years – that equates to 520 weeks or 3,652 and half days or 85,500 hours or 5,130,000 minutes or 307,800,000 seconds. That’s a lot of moments, a lot of instances and a lot of situations. It’s been quite a ride so far: I’ve met so many people, I’ve made new friends, lost some, learned about myself and the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I’ve learned that you can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try; that the opinions you need to focus on should be the opinions of the “right people” – the people who accept you for you, lift you up and respect your values and sensitivities. I’ve also learned that you need to take care of yourself first. Because no one else is going to do it for you, not really.
“A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.” — Henri J.M. Nouwen
Yesterday my patience was severely tested. I was waiting for something important to be delivered. A lot of things that will be happening to me in the next few days hinged on that all-important delivery.
I tried keep active and do other things to keep my mind off the fact that I was waiting. But it was hard! I had the TV on most of the day to distract me but didn’t even register that the great Roger Federer lost at Wimbledon! But what I was waiting for did finally arrive. I was just too impatient.
Note to self: when waiting allow yourself time to wait for the long haul. Your timetable isn’t the same as everyone else’s.
Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want.
It is the belief that God will do what is right.
Max Lucado, He Still Moves Stones: Everyone Needs a Miracle
You know that Old Testament Bible story where Jacob dreams that he wrestles with God? That’s how I feel at the moment. I feel like I’ve gone 11 rounds against a bigger, stronger, quicker opponent.
I’ve been stressing over the what-might-happens, the what-ifs and struggling to control my environment. And oh my goodness, do I feel exhausted! And before I bungle any more boxing related metaphors, I’ll stop.
I’ve struggled so much to hold on to the idea that I’m in control. I’m not. Not really. He is…and I surrender completely. I’ve struggled with this, with the surrender, because of what it might mean, because of what might happen if I surrender what I think I have control over. At points, I felt as if I was throwing in the towel, giving in to the inevitable. But then I realised, God is in control. He has a plan, He always had one. He allowed me to choose but inevitably, He would prefer that I hand the reins over to Him because His plan is way better than mine. Surrendering to Him isn’t really giving up the fight. It’s allowing the stronger fighter to fight your corner, to take up the reins.
So yes Lord. Yes. Whatever is Your perfect will, God. Whatever it is, I know you’ll get me through it. I don’t have to worry about being strong. Because You’re more than strong enough for the both of us. With more honesty than I’ve ever said it before, in Your perfect time, according to Your perfect will.
“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” ― Ansel Adams
I’ve always had something to say, an opinion to express, or an argument to make. My family encouraged vocal discourse; my father’s family fostered an environment where dry, sarcastic humour was used to drive home a point; my mother’s family encouraged debate – about everything: political opinion, religious dogma, the traffic, the path of the ants on the wall, you name it, my mother’s family would happily discuss and argue about it. So naturally, I talked. A lot. It was the only logical development in my communication progression. I had to fight to be heard, so I learned how to talk.
But lately, I’ve found that quietness is good to. That thinking and not necessarily talking about the thoughts that run through your head is also a good thing. I’ve learned that sometimes chatter is just a filler. Sometimes companionable silence is a sign of true acceptance and belonging. You don’t always have to say things to be understood.
Of course, the caveat to that is that one has to talk, so that feelings can be understood and there won’t be any misunderstandings. There is that old maxim that says “actions speak louder than words.” This is true. I am also of the persuasion that things that can be said must be said. It’s never better left unsaid.
I’ve been on a massive reading spree lately! I’ve read the following:
Into The Water because, well, because Paula Hawkins!
The Girl Before, mostly because I loved the cover. But JP Delaney is a brilliant writer.
The Secret, because again, I liked the cover. But I already had one of Katerina Diamond’s books on my Kindle collection already but hadn’t gotten around to reading it. After finishing The Secret, I knew I had to read The Teacher!
This Is Going To Hurt by Adam Kay is basically the memoirs of a junior doctor. If you didn’t appreciate the NHS and all the medical practitioners who work there, you will after reading this book!
I do love a good book. I am particularly pleased when it’s a proper book because I enjoy turning the pages.
What are you reading at the moment?