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Arrested development

We’ve heard it all before…the old adage that age is just a number.

I turn a year older in exactly 14 days.  It’s a milestone birthday.  But I don’t think I feel my age.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I am getting older.  My body never passes up the opportunity to let me know that I’m aging – I’m finding more gray hair, I’m seeing tiny wrinkles starting, my hair is thinning, my metabolism (darn it!) is slowing down, and I am plagued with aching joints and muscles.

The thing is, I don’t feel old.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing.  There are times when I feel underdeveloped, immature, inexperienced and juvenile.  There are spring lambs who seem to be more mature, more street smart than me.  Like I didn’t grow up quite the way I should have, like I didn’t really have the right social skills that a person of my age is expected to have.

I know, I know!  You’ll probably all say that I shouldn’t base my self-judgement on the dictates of society.  But I can’t help it!  Sometimes I feel completely inadequate.

So I’m going to start a journey of rediscovery.  It’s really been something that started a few months ago.  I was craving change.  I wanted improvement in my life and I was really annoyed myself because I knew I would be plagued with procrastination and inertia.  This is why I’ve started reading inspirational books, I’ve started paying attention to all the  articles about self-development articles that I’ve subscribed to.  I’ve started to seek inspiration because I’m determined to make some sort of change this year.

I’m consumed by this desire to change my life, to be happier, to be more successful, to be more driven, to be healthier…and not because I want to everyone to envy me (well, okay, maybe I want everyone to look at me and say, “Wow, look at her!”…maybe just a little.  I’m only human!), I want to look at my life and feel a sense of achievement, to know that I achieved the goals I set for myself.  I know I’ve had achievements, I know I’ve made a difference, but I want something else.  I can’t exactly articulate it.  But I want to be able to tick things off my list and go, “Well, there you go!  I’ve finally done it!”

The sad thing is, I don’t exactly know what it is.  I’m not completely sure what I want to be, who I want to be and it’s funny because there are times when I wonder, who I am and if I’ve lost my identity.

My ball has stopped rolling.  I am unmoving.

But this year, it will be different.  I will start identifying my want to-do’s and I will get them done!

Time to start moving again!

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