Tag: reflections

Yelly Writes

Protecting my sense of contentment

Yelly

I know our relationships are meant to be safe spaces where we should be allowed to say anything we want, how we want to say things, when we want to say things. And for the most part, it’s true. Our relationships should offer us a place where we are able to express ourselves, where we can whinge and be brutally honest about how we feel.

I love a good whinge! It’s nice to be able to complain about something to someone and hear the agreement or the quiet chuckle because they get how we feel about something, someone, the state of the world and the lack of common sense in most things in general. There is a sense of validation in knowing that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do.

I am finding, lately, the constant whinge in some friendship circles to be fairly tiresome. I find myself rolling my eyes at yet again another statement about the stupidity of things or people, or gritting my teeth at a negative slant in expressing an opinion about something. I’m not surprised though, because life in general has been difficult and with the general state of things everywhere, it can be difficult to make like the Monty Python boys and look at the bright side of life. I get that completely. It’s just that sometimes, I wonder, is it really THAT bad ALL the time?

I also get that most people aren’t aware of the negativity in how they structure their statements (both written and verbal) and in their communication style. I understand that is a “them” issue and not a me issue. It is a them outlook problem and not a me outlook problem. I have, hopefully, in the past expressed the desire to look at the positive angle in things, hopefully repeatedly, and whether or not that is noticed or acknowledged is again a “them” issue.

I have always tried to be balanced in terms of my view in life – there is a positive and there is a negative. Life can be difficult and unfair sometimes, but I have always had the desire to look on the flipside. Because, while life is difficult, there are small pockets of joy. These moments of light allow us to appreciate what we have and not what is missing. When we focus on what we have, and not what’s missing, then we feel contentment.

Lately, despite adversity, I’ve found contentment to be the best way forward. It’s not denying how bad things are, it’s just appreciating that despite the bad things that have happened, there is still a lot of good.

I have promised myself to protect this sense of contentment – to the extent of allowing myself to cull certain elements of conversation, limit reactions and interactions in certain relationships. I get that these are just speaking out, and letting off steam. I get that. In the same vein, I do not want to be exposed to negativity. In the same way that these people are letting off steam so that they protect their equilibrium, I am also limiting my exposure to the noxious fumes of negativity that endanger my own equilibrium. We all have to do what we can to survive this jungle!

Yelly Writes

Unpacking Christmas

Yelly

It’s Boxing Day!

I’ve been cocooning since Saturday and it’s been an eye-opening experience. I’ve been able to indulge in introspection and retrospection, which, lately, has been a luxury because I’ve been so busy with the adulting side of life. I’ve been so focused on other things that I’ve actually not had time to think properly — something which I do like to do. I’m an overthinker and it’s a part of me that I actually value, it makes up a large part of my me-ness.

Christmas has always been a season of frantic busy-ness, filled with activities and things to do. I was part of a large Filipino family network and when you’re Filipino, the holiday season goes into hyperdrive in September! But I was always happy and revelled in the frenzy, because I was happy doing things for people I loved — okay, to be fair, I was always happy doing things for other people, whether I had relationships with them or whether they were strangers. 

In the recent past, however, I was constantly told that I should stop doing things for people, stop being so open, stop being so giving, stop being too kind, stop working so hard, stop demanding perfection of myself. I was told, essentially, to stop being so ME. The advice was well-meaning but misguided. It came from someone who felt the constant need to protect themselves and close themselves off from people. It was learned protective conditioning because of their childhood trauma. Because I loved this person, and I knew they were only trying to protect me the best way they could, I tried it their way, did what I was told I should do, behave how I should behave. Instead of staying true to myself and finding a way to show them that there was another way to live, I changed how I was because I thought compromise was the best way to show how much I loved them. I thought that I would have the opportunity to teach them that life was best lived opening yourself up to people. Instead I lived in misalignment and the lack of authenticity infected who I was. For a time I didn’t recognise who was looking back at me in the mirror and I lost sight of the goal, to share with them that there was another way.

I realise this isn’t necessarily as cheerful a post as is probably requisite for the season, but bear with me! I’m getting there.

I’ve decided to spend a cosy and completely solo Christmas this year. I wanted to spend time with family, friends and community online, and be on hand to take calls, reply to messages and group chats — thankful for the connectivity that the interweb allows us!  I wanted to recharge my peopling reserves because I felt like I was running on fumes. I also wanted to have the time, space and silence to think. And realign. And rediscover the person I was and acquaint myself with the person I was becoming.

I know that the past should never be discounted and my recent past is littered with recriminations and, if I’m honest, a lot of shoulda-woulda-couldas. But while I am desperately sorry for the time I didn’t use to stay true to myself, I have forgiven myself for the decisions made, because while flawed and the decision-making was ultimately deficient, they were made, and there was genuine love involved in making the decisions. Yes, I will have to deal with the consequences of those decisions, maybe for years to come, but I am grateful for the lessons. Because what I’ve learned will make me stronger and it will guide my steps in this ongoing journey.  Someone wise said to me recently what burnt you also built you. And that is so true. 

There is beauty and perfection in life’s imperfections. It certainly is the negatives that allow us to appreciate the positives more! I am thankful that I am able to have the opportunity to unpack this, and for the gift of luxurious time to think about my life so far. 

@yellywelly
Yelly Writes

Making like Elsa

Yelly

One thing that never ceases to surprise is me is how quick the passage of time is. Blink and you’ll miss it. I’ve always said that time flies, even when you’re not having fun.

I received news yesterday – I knew it was coming but I didn’t expect to receive it so soon. The quickness of receiving the news was surprising which was probably why I was unsettled when I first read the message. What quickly followed was relief…and then the feeling of “now what?”

Then, as usual, I went down the rabbit hole of thinking up possible (but very improbable) scenarios, which I’m prone to do because I’m an overthinking (work in progress yes, but still an overthinker!). But the difference is, this time, I noticed the signs and told myself to stop. After a figurative shake-it-off session, I managed to slow down the downward thought spiral.

I need to let it go. Because it’s something I can’t control. The only thing I can control is my reaction to the situation. And my course of action: move on and let it go.

@ ctto
Yelly Writes

This year…

Yelly

So WordPress asked me whether my life this year was what I thought it would look like this time last year.

HELL TO THE NO!

I’ve had so many shifts and pivots to my life that my life right now is definitely NOT what I would’ve even imagined it would be.

I’m not quite ready to write about it. To be fair, I haven’t actually written much about anything at all since my life started shifting. There have been a lot of massive life changes in the past 9 months. It hasn’t escaped me that it’s a 9-month reference. It feels like I’m a whole other person, and at the same time, I feel like I know who I’m looking at in the mirror again.

Life is different now. But different is good. Different means growth. Different means opportunities. Different means possibilitles.

How have you been?

Yelly Snaps

Swoooooosh!

Yelly

Taken during my first attempt to do an all-nighter photog session.  Needless to say I didn’t last the entire night!  But the company was amazing, inspiring and aspirational.  The people we were with were so very talented…and so very down-to-earth!