Tag: anxiety

Yelly Writes

Hello there stranger!

Yelly

Yes I am writing again. And no, I didn’t go on a writing sabbatical (as is my perennial excuse for being a lazy so and so).

I just haven’t been visited by the writing muses lately and real life adulting has been keeping me busy and most days absolutely shattered. By the time I get home, I’m more than ready to go to bed. But of course, there’s still dinner to be made and eaten and dishes to be washed. Some days, I really would just like to get in, lock the door behind me, take of my shoes, put down my bag, take a shower and go to bed. I’ve neglected all forms of creative pursuits – writing, crocheting, sewing. All my creative endeavours have been put on an extended pause until I find the motivation to start working with my hands again.

I’ve been feeling very down in the dumps lately. Maybe it’s the hay fever, but I feel like I have this blanket of general dissatisfaction about everything weighing me down. I try to busy myself and just keep my head down and just keep chugging along, ticking off one task after the other. If I keep myself busy, I stop noticing the little things that make me grind my teeth in annoyance. I try to smile through everything, be kind, be helpful, be pleasant and biddable, because that’s what’s expected (and I know that it’s not good for my mental health, all this tamping down of feelings). But there are days when I just want to shout in frustration and demand that people take care of me for a change. I keep wondering whether people would notice if I disappeared. I know…dark thoughts. I’m probably just feeling a bit neglected, taken for granted and a little invisible.

I do, however, want to write more. I have a hashtag that I use a lot on my Instagram stories (please follow me — I’m @yellywelly on Instagram and Twitter) – #girlonthetrainfeels. Yes, very, very inspired by Paula Hawkins’ book The Girl On The Train, which I loved and read several times over. Because, I am, for all intents and purposes a girl on the train. I commute to work on a train. I’ve been asked by people to write about my train journeys because my Instagram stories make them laugh.

I need to get writing. What I’m afraid if is that people will think I’m mean. Because I make up names for the people that get on the same train as me – the regulars. I also wonder about them, and have observations. I don’t think I’m being mean-spirited. It’s just a bit of fun on the train whilst I’m waiting for the train to roll onto my platform so I can get off and go to work.

I wonder if people will be interested in reading my stories and musings….

Yelly Writes

Mid year!

Yelly

Just writing thoughts down.  This post has completely no purpose except to vent.

Time flies when you’re having fun…and even if you’re not!

I can’t believe we’re half-way through with 2016!  Someone once said that you know you’re getting older when time flies past so quickly.  If that’s the case, then I’m definitely ancient.  I find myself thinking more often than not, “Stop the world, I want to get off!”

Sometimes I get home and I want to just completely switch off.  Just go to bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep.  But I can’t because there are chores to be done, food to be cooked, a kitchen to be cleaned.  Then after all that, sometimes I wonder if I’m just wandering around life, walking in somnambulistic circles?  I find that I’m asking myself all sorts of existential questions which scare me.

I find that a recurrent thought is me to have proper downtime.  For me to just lie in bed.  To not be responsible for anything.  For me to have a day when no one asks me to do anything for anyone.  For me to be alone with my books and my thoughts and my dreams.  For me to sit at a coffee shop window, nurse a huge cup of coffee and watch the world go by.

I think I now understand what it is now to have social media fatigue.  Ever since I moved to England, I’ve been online all the time.  I’ve worked really hard to make the thousands of miles between me and my family and friends appear small and insignificant.  I’ve invested in tech so that I can get in touch, be in touch and be accessible to everyone back home 24/7.  There are days, however, when I want to completely switch off.  To not bother catching up on tweets, Instagram, look at Facebook posts, catch up on LinkedIn (which, I might add, I haven’t really totally wrapped my mind around, even though LinkedIn says I’ve got an “all star” profile, whatever that means!), and to not care about work emails and how many emails I have in my Outlook inbox.

Mark Babbitt said that “[w]hen you realize you’ve stopped contributing original thought to a conversation, you are suffering from Social Media Fatigue. It is time to step away and take a social-less vacation.”

I think I need another break.  A long one where I’m allowed to just walk, take pictures, enjoy my little seaside town, and not be responsible for anyone or anything, to completely switch off.  To not worry about tax investigations or HMRC correspondence for clients.  To not worry about family and if they’re all okay.  I need to refill my spirit tank.  I need to replenish my cheerful me supplies, restock my happiness cupboard.

I think that’s my goal for the next half of 2016.  To find time for me.  I have experienced burnout and that wasn’t a very good place to be in.  I need to take care of me because no one else will do that.