writing things out – Yellywelly

When you know…you see the cues!

9 Jul 2023 Yelly

It’s certainly been an interesting few weeks for me. Interesting is probably a tepid way of describing the last few days. But it’ll do for now.

I’ve always valued telling it like it is, but at the same time, I’ve always erred on the side of very polite, very cautionary, socially accepted discourse. I am, after all, the daughter of my mother, who has always had the gift of utterance – she always knew how to say things in a way that fit the situation. She never failed to try to teach her children the value of saying the right things at the right time, in the right way so that the intended message was delivered correctly (she often wrote speechers for government officials – even for the president of the Philippines once, so yeah, she knew what she was doing!).

I remember having a no-holds-barred conversation with a friend (who sadly is no longer a close friend) and I let it rip – I said exactly what I thought, in exactly the way I thought I should say it. And I hurt them. I know our friendship was never the same after that and we never recovered. I learned a valuable lesson that day – gauge your audience and adjust. It’s the sensible, sensitive, and considerate thing to do.

It’s also such a limiting way to live your life. But it’s living within the social mores. The adult way of colouring within the lines.

My communication style in relationships has also fallen into rhythms in pretty much the same way. Especially in the most important of my relationships. I had to adjust how I said things so that the people I was speaking to understood what I was saying. I know you’re meant to be able to say what you want how you want to say it to the people who are meant to know you best. But it wasn’t exactly how it worked out for me. I found myself walking on eggshells and walking the emotionally-charged verbal tightrope with my most important relationship. I know that relationships are two-way streets and it should always be a bipartisan effort but let’s be honest, it’s not always a 50-50 work split in relationships. Someone always does more work, is more considerate, bends backward more, and it’s not usually the person who thinks they’re the ones who do this. My fault is that I do jump with two feet into relationships – I love (or become involved) so completely that I put everything of myself in relationships and I fully immerse myself into being who they need (because maybe I subconsciously hope they’re doing the same for me). I wrap myself around the person and be who they want me to be because I want to make them happy in the way they make me happy. In healthy relationships, the other person will want you to be who you are, they will see who you really are and not who they want you to be, and they want you to show them who you are so that you grow together. I don’t think all my relationships were necessarily healthy. Or more specifically, some of the people I was in relationships with weren’t necessarily in a space to contribute to a healthy relationship, or want to work on having a healthy, well-rounded relationship. But there you go. Hindsight is always 20-20.

I’ve been reacquainting myself with who I am again…or at least who I was before this last relationship imploded. Whether correctly or incorrectly, I’ve decided that my case of arrested development stems from my being involved in this relationship – I stopped being who I was and growing into the person I was meant to be because I became the person that I thought this relationship needed me to be. But that’s all changed now, I think. I’m relearning to say no when it serves me, when I think I need to say no because whatever is happening doesn’t sit well with me. I’m relearning the boundaries that I actually have and I’m reassessing whether they are actually where they need to be or whether I can stretch them. I’m actually having fun reacquainting myself with who I am.

And because I am getting to know myself again, I am (re)learning my quirks. I am still polite, I will always try to be diplomatic about things, and I will probably always try to be what people need me to be in relationships – because that’s who I am. But I think at the same time. I have actually started to take steps back when things aren’t right for me. I’ve actually said no several times when my hard limits were reached. I’ve also learned to not give too much of myself now. I used to overcompensate but now I think I’m learning to match the energy that I’m being served. It’s all a work in progress and I’m all about the WIP these days.

What hasn’t changed though is my overthinking. It’s exhausting and I know it’s something I need to work on. I still think it’s a superpower (yes, probably flawed reasoning!) because I know it’s protected me from a lot of situations – I’ve been able to mentally prepare myself for heartache and disappointment because I’ve overthought situations to death or it’s allowed me to be good at my job because I’ve considered every possible scenario, or it’s just allowed me to think of permutations so I’m prepared for most things (yes, I accept that overthinking is not good, but I think I’ve survived well on this planet because of this, so this will be difficult to manage!).

So trust me, I may smile, I may pretend to be confused or ditsy or inept (and to be fair, with the brain fog that I go through some days, this might be more genuine than you think!), I may say the polite thing and say okay, but I know when I’m being managed, because I’ve overthought everything (twice!).

I would rather hear the truth, receive the critique, be told off than dance the polite dance and get platitudes. It doesn’t serve anyone.

Yelly Writes

Painful wakefulness

20 Sep 201820 Sep 2018 Yelly

I started writing this entry at 23:23.

I am awake, sitting on my couch and in pain. I just wanted to stop crying about the pain my back was putting me through. So I climbed out of bed, walked gingerly out of the bedroom and walked to my front room. And then sobbed.

It currently hurts to breath. But it only hurts on the left side of my body. My muscles are punishing me for doing something. I’m not sure what.

So instead of focusing on the pain, I started breathing exercises to push through the pain. Then I started thinking “Ooooh maybe I can read something to take my mind of trying to forget the pain.” Because I always think engaging my brain helps me deal with whatever hurts – whether it’s a physical pain or something else.

So now, I’m blogging. Which is quite the surprise. I haven’t actually written anything spontaneously in a very long while. So in a way, I am thankful for the muscle pain that prompted me to get up. It doesn’t matter whether or not this post makes sense or is at all positive (I’m writing about pain, so I’m thinking that’s a negative). What’s important is that I’m writing again.

I’ve got a few catch up posts to write. Posts that I started whilst I was at home in the Philippines or in the weeks after I came home. I need to be a little more disciplined about writing. It is really like a muscle (hellooooo pain reference!), that needs to be exercised. The longer I leave writing, the harder it is to approach the writing inertia.

And funnily enough, the only way to fight the writing inertia is to fight against the writing inertia. What a predicament, eh?

It’s 23:34. Not bad for 11 minutes work, huh? It’s not exactly groundbreaking or profound. But at least I’ve started writing again!

Yelly Writes

When I get there…bygones!

19 Oct 20172 Nov 2017 Yelly

“Wisdom tells us that the best time for silence is when we are mad or upset.”
– John Patrick Hickey, Oops Did I Really Post That?

I am working on a very important project.

I am working on ME. I thought I was over this thing, but like a masochist out for pain, I still needle the emotional scab and allow the pain (and all the negative emotions that go with it: anger, annoyance, impatience, self-doubt, pettiness, you get the idea). I repeatedly told myself to draw a line. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let this overtake my life. But it was still there, like an irritating mosquito buzzing, hovering in the background.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that I was going about this whole thing the wrong way. I was telling myself that I shouldn’t let myself get angry; I shouldn’t give in to the negativity; that the high road was to let this go. But in going into denial about how I felt was negating myself. I was, basically, telling myself I was wrong. I was invalidating my own opinions. Granted, it wasn’t the healthiest of situations, and sometimes you just want to just get on with your life. But I wasn’t moving on.

I have allowed myself to be angry. I have allowed myself to feel the hurt. I have actually said to myself, “Well, I didn’t draw first blood, so it’s okay to feel offended and violated!” I have actually allowed my inner mean girl, my inner Regina George to come to the fore. I am allowed to lash out. If only verbally and if only to myself and the bathroom mirror.

I will continue write things out, because I process things better when I write things down. I think the trick is to allow myself to feel my feelings. Because they’re mine. One can immerse in the feelings, but it is important to remember that it’s not healthy to stay submerged in these feelings until one goes emotionally pruney. I think I’ve been able to express my feelings enough. Maybe I will try to not talk about it (fat chance of that happening as when I am angry, I keep wanting to talk about it! Silence and keeping schtumm when angry is still something I need to learn.).

I know one day I will be able to say the immortal words of Richard Fish in Ally McBeal: “Bygones” and mean it. Until then, I will keep on keeping and keep on healing.