Tag: quotes

Yelly Writes

Not running away to the circus

Yelly

So it’s possibly Day 2 or 3 of this Covid jag. To be fair, I’m not quite sure I wasn’t ill in Vienna. Quite a few of us were unwell during the trip. This would mean that this would probably be Day 8 or 9?

I’m quite sure this intense apathy is a symptom of Covid. Because to be completely honest, I couldn’t necessarily care less about anyone or anything at the moment. I’m just so very tired and just want to hibernate.

At the moment, I just want to shout to everyone – NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS.

Yelly Snaps

Nach Wien!

Yelly

So, here you are
too foreign for home
too foreign for here.
Never enough for both.

Ijeoma Umebinyuo
@yellywelly

Going on a trip to see family!

Not sure what my connectivity will be (the last time I traveled I was on a different phone service provider!) but I have my camera and my phone. I’ve got my work laptop with me because the intention is, I’m going to work whilst over there.

Good plan! All fingers crossed that it all goes to plan!

Yelly Writes

If I knew the difference then…

Yelly

They always say that hindsight is 20/20 and I’m finding this so true these days.

@TherapyJeff or Jeff Guenther is a licensed therapist who I follow on Instagram and he has so nuggets of wisdom that I’ve filed away over the years. But this was from a reel that I saw today and I thought I’d share it. it resonated a lot and now that I think about, if I’d heard this then, I would’ve saved myself more than 20 years of off-and-on heartache!

Yelly Writes

Acceptance

Yelly

Since God sees what we can’t see, He separates us from those people to fix and stop the haemorrhage. As any doctor would.

You feel lonely when God separates you. Often you experience the worst anxiety ever to exist on this earth. Out of fear, you start to question God. Saying, “please, don’t take these beloved people away from me”. You do that because in your mind, you’re thinking that God is being unfair. Yet, God separates you, anyway, because His operation must continue. So that your wound can heal, and your bleeding can finally stop.

Accept being seperated from people. Accept solitude. Because, in the end, it’s for your own healing.”
― Mitta Xinindlu

I’m trying to trust the process because I know that the only way to get this over and done with is to go through it. And because I know that whatever this is, it is part of the masterplan that God has for me. I’m desperately trusting in the perfection of God’s plan and His timing. It is VERY difficult though. I think it is the sitting still and the waiting that is getting to me. I thought I was patient. Maybe I’m not as patient as I thought after all.

I’m discovering a lot about myself during this waiting period – what I thought I was and what I actually am and what I’m actually not. It is humbling and I find it very suprising. It’s not to say that I don’t accept the discoveries about myself. because I’m learning to embrace the parts of me that I didn’t know existed — or maybe a better way to say it is that I’m learning to accept the parts of me that I thought were unacceptable because someone said they were. They’re part of the fabric of my personality and I think I actually like the parts of me that I subsumed so that I could keep the peace. I’m glad I can bring them forward again because I am seeing who I am again. For all my faults and foibles, I’m actually okay with that. I can work on what I need to improve.

I’m also trying to lean into the solitude. I think that’s what I’m finding very difficult. Because when one has been part of a unit for such a long time, it is difficult to identify yourself as a solitary being. Part of how I had started to identify myself is that belonging to that unit. I found that realisation quite disconcerting because I thought I was determined to mark myself as independent, anindividual. I remember being determined to establish myself as Yelly, not the granddaughter of General Medina, or the daughter of Dr and Mrs Medina, or my Tita Bing’s niece. I was quite proud that I’d established myself in my life in the UK as me and not who I was related to. I guess that was mostly professionally. Emotional identification was different, I guess. Now that I’m no longer part of that twosome, while I accept that to be a reality (and to be honest, I now know that I will never want to be part of that unit ever again), I think my subconscious is having a difficult time catching up with the status quo. My mind knows it and so does my heart. It’s the emotional muscle memory that needs to follow.

I am now, today, separada de soltera.

@yellywelly
Yelly Writes

I do

Yelly

They are about to say ‘I do’,
three little letters, two little words.
Its the simplest part of the day;
but there is nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid.
‘I do’ means I do know I could be hurt,
but I am ready to be healed with you.
It means I do want to try,
even when the fear of failure holds me back.
And I do not know the future,
but I am ready to be surprised along the way.
‘I do’ means I do want your love & I do give you mine.
And nothing we do will ever be the same,
because we will be doing it all together.

This was a reading from the wedding scene in the Season 3 finale of The Good Witch, which I am currently working through on Netflix, and of course, you guessed it, I was bawling my eyes out. Partly because they were beautiful words, and mostly because, well, it was a wedding. Everyone cries at weddings. I cry at everything, so of course, I would cry at this.

But these words resonated because half a lifetime ago, I promised someone that I would love them, always and forever, in the best way that I could. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t without its frailties and vulnerabilities. But I gave what I could give, and sometimes, even more than what I could, despite the personal deficit. I tried my best, but I guess, as that oldie-but-goodie James Ingram song goes, I guess my best wasn’t good enough.

But I also know that whilst my always and forever means an unconditional always and forever, forsaking all other and does not have an expiration date, saturation point or limit, it does not apply that the person I made the promise to will be able to love as willingly or as completely as I do. Unfortunately for me, that one person, no matter what, will always have my I do. I also know that my I do (no matter how complete and unconditional) is no longer wanted. I accept that. It is a painfully hard pill to swallow, but there you go.

So now, I am learning to say I do to myself – because I do know I could be hurt, but I do want to try; I know that I am afraid, but I know I shouldn’t allow fear to hold me back; I do know that the future holds surprises.

Yelly Writes

The mania that is Monday

Yelly

So I saw a share-worthy post from Words of Women on instagram and read this to myself this morning and told myself that this was going to be my mantra this week (bearing in mind that I was recovering from being off sick for two days – Thursday and Friday – and burning my wrist earlier last week).  It was a big ask but I needed to psyche myself into accepting all the possible challenges that Monday would most-definitely bring. 

It was most certainly a brilliant reminder of how my life was more than glass-half-full.  My cup was brimming over.  Yeah, I am going through a difficult time, personally and mentally.  But I am still here, I am waking up each morning and finding a reason to smile, I am living in the country I’ve always wanted to live in and I am loved by the most amazing man.

You have to start believing that your morning commute is fun and exciting.  That your apartment is perfect for the stage you’re in right now.  That your partner is the one you always dreamed of.  That every coffee you have is just right and every dinner you eat out is a treat.  That every time you look in your closet there’s a ton of amazing clothes you bought for yourself because you’re now a badass, stylish woman.  This is the grown up life you always dreamed of.  Look at you!  Think of what your 13-year- old self would think about where you are.  She was once dreaming for this life.  Now start appreciating it.

@words_of_women

But Monday had another plan for me.  It just went with an almighty whoosh.  It was so crazy busy that when I looked up next, it was time to put my cup in the dishwasher (or wash it, as I ended up doing because the dishwasher was full anyway) and shut down my computer.  If you held a gun to my head and asked me to tell you what I did today, I wouldn’t be able to do that without looking at my to-do list. 

I’m going to start over tomorrow.  Hopefully the day goes on a steadier, slower pace and I can actually appreciate the time I have!  Here’s to hoping!

Good night all!❤️

Yelly Writes

The quiet times

Yelly

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” ― Ansel Adams

I’ve always had something to say, an opinion to express, or an argument to make.  My family encouraged vocal discourse; my father’s family fostered an environment where dry, sarcastic humour was used to drive home a point; my mother’s family encouraged debate – about everything: political opinion, religious dogma, the traffic, the path of the ants on the wall, you name it, my mother’s family would happily discuss and argue about it.  So naturally, I talked.  A lot.  It was the only logical development in my communication progression.  I had to fight to be heard, so I learned how to talk.

But lately, I’ve found that quietness is good too.  That thinking and not necessarily talking about the thoughts that run through your head is also a good thing.  I’ve learned that sometimes chatter is just a filler. Sometimes companionable silence is a sign of true acceptance and belonging. You don’t always have to say things to be understood.

Of course, the caveat to that is that one has to talk, so that feelings can be understood and there won’t be any misunderstandings.  There is that old maxim that says “actions speak louder than words.”  This is true.  I am also of the persuasion that things that can be said must be said.  It’s never better left unsaid.

Yelly Writes

No is really okay

Yelly

No is such a difficult thing to say…at least for people like me who are people pleasers.  To me saying no meant I was letting people down, I was being selfish, I was being mean and I was being unhelpful.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about work, and learn about my weaknesses and how I can improve my performance at work.  It’s not necessarily a new epiphany, but it has actually hit home that I have to stop saying yes to everyone asking me to do something for them.  I have to choose the situations where I say yes.  Steve Jobs said it best when he said that “It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on things that are more important.”

For a while, I lost sight of what I should have thought was important to me.  In my deep desire to be helpful to everyone, I allowed myself to take on too much.  I stopped taking care of me because I was too busy trying to be everything to everyone.  But the universe does look after you.  I realised, in the nick of time, that this was a habit that I had to stop.  I had to concentrate on me, what I thought was important.  I realised that if I took care of myself, and what I needed to do first, I would be in a better position to help others.

I also learned that saying no can also be a wonderful teaching mechanism, especially at work.  I find it hard to refuse anyone who asks for help, especially in circumstances where I know I can.  I’ve learned, though, that sometimes, it’s not always up to you to help.  Sometimes you have to step aside so that you allow people to do their job.  Sometimes, even if it takes longer to teach people than to do the job yourself, it is still best to teach them how to do the task instead of taking the task away from them.  If you take the task away, you take away the learning opportunity.

It still pains me to say no.  But I’m working on putting myself first.  I wasn’t raised to think that it was okay to take care of Number One first – Number One being myself.  But now I’m beginning to realise that there is wisdom in putting oneself first.

Saying no is good.  It gives you the opportunity to say yes to something even better.

sayno-stephencovey

Save

Yelly Writes

Oh brother!

Yelly

Clara Ortega said “ To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.”  And I agree.

To me you will always be the little boy who “break dances” by spinning on the floor, on his tummy, the one who invents words, our source of joy and entertainment.  I pray that you will be blessed beyond your desires, because we are so very blessed by you.

Happy birthday (big) little bro!

CurlySue

Save