For most of us, we get stronger slowly, and then get weaker slowly, with our cycles sometimes in synchrony with the land’s health, though other times independent of its larger cycles…You find yourself as you have always been, square in the middle of the metamorphosis, constantly living and dying: becoming weaker in your strength, finally… ― Rick Bass
The passage of time is relative…sometimes it feels like a day is over in the blink of an eye…and then there are days when it feels like time is dragging its heels.
I started writing this post a year to the day that I left my old life in Harwich. At the time, I was marking the anniversary of the day my entire world shattered into a million tiny pieces (I ended up posting a completely different blog entry). I moved away from a life I thought was going to be my forever life because the person I thought was going to be my forever person decided that I no longer belonged in his reality. Whatever his reasons (I’m sure it will be something I did because it was always my fault), I knew that I was no longer welcome in that environment and that I needed to go (my ex-forever person even helped me find a place to move to, wasn’t that nice of him?). While it was very polite and adult, it was becoming a toxic environment with the potential of becoming a powder keg situation. It was healthier for us to be apart rather than together. At the time, I absorbed all the blame, and even managed to convince myself that it was because I was at fault. After a lot of pragmatic soul-searching, I’ve come to accept that while I am to blame for the disintegration of the relationship, the blame is not entirely mine. I’m telling it like it is without any intention of assigning blame. It takes two people to make and break a relationship. It isn’t always 50/50 because relationships will require sharing the burden of balance, and sometimes, sharing the burden of balance requires that you carry more than half the burden. I know now that my understanding of relationships and the kind of compromises one is required to make was so different from his. I think his understanding didn’t factor in the gray areas (or maybe it did – we didn’t have the important discussions because I don’t think he liked laying himself bare because it made him vulnerable. I’ve accepted that he was all about protecting himself above all else). And that’s okay.
Life has certainly changed for me.
My environment has changed. My relationship status has changed. My living arrangements have changed. My appearance has changed considerably. My routine and habits are changing. My mindset is adapting to the changes in my life. My life is in constant flux and the only constant in my life right now is the certainty that change is a constant companion until I am able to settle into a rhythm that fits the person I am growing into. I’ve accepted that I was in a state of arrested development (because I’d willingly given up my life in order to adjust to the demands of my relationship with the ex) and because I’m no longer in that relationship, it’s as if the pause button has been pressed again and my life is moving forward again. To be fair, it’s probably not an accurate description of how my life is moving because I think my life pivoted when I was in my relationship and now that I’m not in it anymore, it’s pivoted again.
My life is pivoting again.
it certainly makes me wonder what my life will look like next year.
It’s a scary but exciting prospect!
Yellywelly 