Since God sees what we can’t see, He separates us from those people to fix and stop the haemorrhage. As any doctor would.
You feel lonely when God separates you. Often you experience the worst anxiety ever to exist on this earth. Out of fear, you start to question God. Saying, “please, don’t take these beloved people away from me”. You do that because in your mind, you’re thinking that God is being unfair. Yet, God separates you, anyway, because His operation must continue. So that your wound can heal, and your bleeding can finally stop.
Accept being seperated from people. Accept solitude. Because, in the end, it’s for your own healing.” ― Mitta Xinindlu
I’m trying to trust the process because I know that the only way to get this over and done with is to go through it. And because I know that whatever this is, it is part of the masterplan that God has for me. I’m desperately trusting in the perfection of God’s plan and His timing. It is VERY difficult though. I think it is the sitting still and the waiting that is getting to me. I thought I was patient. Maybe I’m not as patient as I thought after all.
I’m discovering a lot about myself during this waiting period – what I thought I was and what I actually am and what I’m actually not. It is humbling and I find it very suprising. It’s not to say that I don’t accept the discoveries about myself. because I’m learning to embrace the parts of me that I didn’t know existed — or maybe a better way to say it is that I’m learning to accept the parts of me that I thought were unacceptable because someone said they were. They’re part of the fabric of my personality and I think I actually like the parts of me that I subsumed so that I could keep the peace. I’m glad I can bring them forward again because I am seeing who I am again. For all my faults and foibles, I’m actually okay with that. I can work on what I need to improve.
I’m also trying to lean into the solitude. I think that’s what I’m finding very difficult. Because when one has been part of a unit for such a long time, it is difficult to identify yourself as a solitary being. Part of how I had started to identify myself is that belonging to that unit. I found that realisation quite disconcerting because I thought I was determined to mark myself as independent, anindividual. I remember being determined to establish myself as Yelly, not the granddaughter of General Medina, or the daughter of Dr and Mrs Medina, or my Tita Bing’s niece. I was quite proud that I’d established myself in my life in the UK as me and not who I was related to. I guess that was mostly professionally. Emotional identification was different, I guess. Now that I’m no longer part of that twosome, while I accept that to be a reality (and to be honest, I now know that I will never want to be part of that unit ever again), I think my subconscious is having a difficult time catching up with the status quo. My mind knows it and so does my heart. It’s the emotional muscle memory that needs to follow.
I’m usually the first one to be excited about events involving pomp and circumstance because to me it’s being part of contemporary history, even if it is on the periphery. When the late Queen Elizabeth died, I was glued to the telly for days absorbing the news. I was also constantly looking out the window because Green Park and Buckingham Palace were quite near my office and there was a constant parade of flower tributes being brought to the Palace by members of the public (I nearly got brained by a massive bouquet of sunflowers because this guy was rushing and texting at the same time, not looking where he was going and he kept zigzagging and nearly walked into me with the gigantic yellow blooms – I’m only little!).
While there was (apparently) a build up of excitement for the big day in the country, I wasn’t quite feeling it. I know I’m going to watch the coronation ceremony on telly later, and I’m probably going to get teary-eyed. But I’m feeling very underwhelmed. Maybe because I don’t necessarily like Charles and Camilla (yep. I’m #TeamDiana, always have been). While I agree that everyone deserves happiness and to each his own, etc., etc., I’m still not feeling it (I was, in comparison, more excited for Harry and Meghan’s wedding!). I’m not a royalist, but I am also not a Republican. I believe the British Royal Family serve their purpose and they do bring in a certain amount of tourism and with tourism comes jobs…plus Prince Louis, God bless him!
I didn’t even really go out to take any pictures of the decorations around the capital until yesterday and only because I was near Regent Street. Let’s just say I had other things going on in my life.
But I do wish that Charles gets to do what he wants to do whilst he’s on the throne. He’s waited so very long to become the monarch and it would be such an anti-climax (to him personally, I suppose) if he isn’t able to do the things he wanted to do when he got to the throne. Everyone deserves the chance to fulfill their destiny.
No these are not cool in-with-the-kids acronyms. I don’t think the words cool and Yelly have actually featured in a single sentence in quite a very (VERY) long while! Ha!
It just means “overheard on the overground” (for those not living in London, the Overground was established in 2007 and is basically the network of trains that connects Central London to London suburbia, aka Greater London – the trains travel over the ground as opposed to under the ground, mostly).
I will usually have my headphones on while commuting as I’m almost always listening to something: either a podcast or some such playlist on Spotify, or Hamilton (yes, currently obsessed again – it comes in waves! Hey! Hey! Hey! And if you’ve ever listened to the Original Broadway Cast recording or watched the musical on Disney+ –not an advert, btw, it’s just where I get my Hamilton fix at the moment — you’ll get the reference!). I meant to charge my headphones last night because I had the feeling that they were running low on charge, but like most evenings lately, I’ve been distracted, and didn’t get around to doing anything on my I’ll-do-this-tonight list. Tut-tut, I know.
And of course, my headphones died in the middle of Leslie Odom, Jr. warbling (a word that is a favourite in my vocabulary at the moment) about being in the room where it happens (again, a Hamilton reference, and if you’re not listening to Hamilton, WHY AREN’T YOU?). I took my headphones off, attached the charging cable and attached said charging cable to my power bank, and proceeded to mentally drum my fingers in ho-humness. I usually will start scrolling through either Twitter or Instagram when not listening but my eyes were tired so I put my phone away.
I couldn’t help but overhear the very audible conversation on the train these girls were having and, considering that I was in the middle of the carriage (most overground trains are basically 4 carriages connected), they were talking quite loudly.
Girl 1: I think Jeremy (I presume the boyfriend) is seeing someone else.
Girl 2: Uh hmmm (you could hear the disinterest from where I was sitting!).
Girl 1: Did you not hear me? I think Jeremy is seeing someone else!
Girl 2: Girl, I hear(d) ya!
Girl 1: Yeah but you didn’t exactly react?
Girl 2: I did! I said Uh hmm. That’s a reaction.
Girl 1: No it’s not! You’re supposed to say something else!
Girl 2: What did you expect me to say? Like oh no that’s terrible?
Girl 1: Yes! You’re my friend. You’re supposed to sympathise!
Girl 2: Girl, I told you he was a bad one! I told you and told you! Didn’t I do that?
Girl 1: But…but…
Girl 2: And now that he’s done something like this, you expect me to sympathise?
Girl 1: Yes!
Girl 2: I am your friend, but I will not condone stupidity.
(there were giggles heard)
Girl 2: What you all laughing at? This is a private conversation! Stop listening.
I am all for minding one’s own business, and to be fair, most Londoners are fairly good at doing this. The tube, and as far as I know, the OG passengers are fairly good at avoiding eye contact and not having conversations while commuting on the trains. But I guess when conversations are this loud, it will elicit reactions. I was just glad I had my mask on because underneath my mask I was grinning like a cheshire cat!
Thank you for keeping me entertained on the train ladies! You were absolute gems.
Hmmm. I need a haircut. My hair looks like it would be quite comfortable sitting on a scarecrow’s head! Luckily, I’ve actually managed to sort this out and not ignore this item on my I-need-to-do-this-soon list. Yay me!
Sometimes, if I used m brain, I feel like I could rule the world!
I’ve tried reading, listening to relaxing music, watching a documentary, meditating, and breathing. All these activities worked when my brain is restless. But not today. I think it’s my subconscious working overtime not letting me rest until I wrestle with something that it wants me to face and deal with. And I think I know what it is but it’s not something I want to think about just yet. Someone suggested physical activity but at the moment, I don’t think I can start dancing around the flat. Not at this late (or early) hour. I don’t really want to put my neighbours through the baby elephant stomping.
I might have to buy myself some yarn so I can start crocheting again. That always allowed me to clear my mind. It’s time to start crocheting poppies again anyway.
I think tonight, I’ll just have to wait it out and wait until exhaustion claims me. That or try the breathing again. 1. 2.3.4. Hold the breath, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 2. 3, 4. Breathe in, 2, 3, 4. Hold the breath, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 2, 3, 4…
Yellywelly 