Yelly Writes

Unpacking Christmas

Yelly

It’s Boxing Day!

I’ve been cocooning since Saturday and it’s been an eye-opening experience. I’ve been able to indulge in introspection and retrospection, which, lately, has been a luxury because I’ve been so busy with the adulting side of life. I’ve been so focused on other things that I’ve actually not had time to think properly — something which I do like to do. I’m an overthinker and it’s a part of me that I actually value, it makes up a large part of my me-ness.

Christmas has always been a season of frantic busy-ness, filled with activities and things to do. I was part of a large Filipino family network and when you’re Filipino, the holiday season goes into hyperdrive in September! But I was always happy and revelled in the frenzy, because I was happy doing things for people I loved — okay, to be fair, I was always happy doing things for other people, whether I had relationships with them or whether they were strangers. 

In the recent past, however, I was constantly told that I should stop doing things for people, stop being so open, stop being so giving, stop being too kind, stop working so hard, stop demanding perfection of myself. I was told, essentially, to stop being so ME. The advice was well-meaning but misguided. It came from someone who felt the constant need to protect themselves and close themselves off from people. It was learned protective conditioning because of their childhood trauma. Because I loved this person, and I knew they were only trying to protect me the best way they could, I tried it their way, did what I was told I should do, behave how I should behave. Instead of staying true to myself and finding a way to show them that there was another way to live, I changed how I was because I thought compromise was the best way to show how much I loved them. I thought that I would have the opportunity to teach them that life was best lived opening yourself up to people. Instead I lived in misalignment and the lack of authenticity infected who I was. For a time I didn’t recognise who was looking back at me in the mirror and I lost sight of the goal, to share with them that there was another way.

I realise this isn’t necessarily as cheerful a post as is probably requisite for the season, but bear with me! I’m getting there.

I’ve decided to spend a cosy and completely solo Christmas this year. I wanted to spend time with family, friends and community online, and be on hand to take calls, reply to messages and group chats — thankful for the connectivity that the interweb allows us!  I wanted to recharge my peopling reserves because I felt like I was running on fumes. I also wanted to have the time, space and silence to think. And realign. And rediscover the person I was and acquaint myself with the person I was becoming.

I know that the past should never be discounted and my recent past is littered with recriminations and, if I’m honest, a lot of shoulda-woulda-couldas. But while I am desperately sorry for the time I didn’t use to stay true to myself, I have forgiven myself for the decisions made, because while flawed and the decision-making was ultimately deficient, they were made, and there was genuine love involved in making the decisions. Yes, I will have to deal with the consequences of those decisions, maybe for years to come, but I am grateful for the lessons. Because what I’ve learned will make me stronger and it will guide my steps in this ongoing journey.  Someone wise said to me recently what burnt you also built you. And that is so true. 

There is beauty and perfection in life’s imperfections. It certainly is the negatives that allow us to appreciate the positives more! I am thankful that I am able to have the opportunity to unpack this, and for the gift of luxurious time to think about my life so far. 

@yellywelly
Yelly Writes

Year 2

Yelly

To lose someone you love is the very worst thing in the world. It creates an invisible hole that you feel you are falling down and will never end. People you love make the world real and solid and when they suddenly go away forever, nothing feels solid any more.

Matt Haig

Today is my Abba’s second-year death anniversary, and yet this morning, I woke up and felt absolutely heartbroken again. I think the pain was different this year because this was the first year I was completely alone in remembering him. I’m sure his siblings thought about him today, and I’m sure Mama and my siblings touched his urn and lit a candle, but this year, I was completely alone with my thoughts without a memorial service to organise and wake up for.

I know my mom thinks about him every day – I mean how could she not – they were together for more than 50 years, and solidly together for 7 years when my father fell ill because she was his primary carer. I cannot imagine the depths of her pain and how much she misses him. But this morning, I felt absolutely heartsick and I cried like a child because I missed my father so much.

I know the void that my father’s passing has created in my life will never be filled. I need to remember to give myself time – time to come to terms with my father’s death (because I don’t think I’ve properly grieved), time to heal, time to allow the pain to shift. I know the pain will always be there but it will feel differently eventually.

@yellywelly
Yelly Eats

Apple thingmebobs

Yelly

I’m not quite sure what to call these yet but these are cinnamony apple thingies in shortcrust pastry.

Made with 4 ingredients – brown sugar, cinnamon, apples, and store-bought puff pastry.

I need to do another bake run to make sure I have the timings and temperatures right (they do look a little too singed for my liking). I also need to do something to make sure the flavours are lip-smackingly good!

I will post the recipe as soon as I’m happy with the results So watch this space!

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Yelly Writes

Selective mutism

Yelly

It is a real thing. It is an anxiety disorder where the person is unable to speak in certain social situations.

This is going to be a snarky post.

Loquaciousness is an admirable trait, but not everyone is blessed with it. Because there are people who seem to have something to say in every situation. EVERY bloody situation. Even when the situation calls for, oh, I don”t know, sensitivity and reflection, they always have something to say – most of the time something off the cuff and inappropriately insensitive.

I understand that it is all about them and the insecurity they feel. It is a defense mechanism. Silence can be uncomfortable and it takes a relatively mature and secure person to sit in silence, to not have to voice an opinion. It might be that they learned that they wouldn’t be overlooked or taken for granted if they said something. It also takes a relatively sensitive person to know what is appropriate and inappropriate to say. But really, if you just say something for the sake of saying something, aren’t you just an empty clanging bell, or an annoyingly noisy cymbal?

I am fully aware that these feelings may just be unique to me and how I feel about certain situations. These are probably just my idiosyncrasies. I’ve been in situations where I’ve opened my mouth and promptly inserted my foot in it. I’ve been in environments where you’ve had to learn when you should or shouldn’t say something. I’ve been in circumstances when your ability to convey information was important for understanding. Not everyone has the opportunity to be in those teaching environments.

I think I need to follow my own advice. Not every situation that makes me want to shout “Can you just shut up?” requires it. You can teach people vocabulary, but you can’t necessarily teach people eloquence and utterance. Sensitivity is learned through experience. Also, it takes a certain humility and openness to want to know.

Okay, feelings expressed. I’m getting off my soapbox now.

Yelly Writes

Sunday solitude

Yelly
@yellywelly

I’m recovering from yesterday’s shenanigans.

I had a few people over. It was planned and I loved the prep that it involved. I could exercise my cooking muscles and I cooked a southern fried chicken lunch with my favourite fixins (coleslaw, gravy, cornbread and green beans) and I made blondies for dessert.

It was fun and I loved having people over. I didn’t even mind the cleaning up (weirdly, I love dishwashing). But I find that I’m very peopled-out today. So I’ve stayed indoors and kept mostly to myself – save the occasional foray into social media, WhatsApp message reply and a call from a favourite relative.

I hope your weekends were lovely and it’s prepared y’all for the coming week 🙂

Yelly Writes

Let’s talk!

Yelly

No really. Let’s talk.

Today is World Mental Health Day.

I’ve never shied away from talking about my mental health struggles and the journey I’ve been on – still on to be completely honest but I’m in a much better place now. But I think I’ve shied away from actually properly writing about it.

18 months ago, someone I worked with asked me if I was okay. I did what I usually do at the time and pasted the brightest smile on my face that I could and said that I was fine. It took that someone sitting me down and asking me if I was REALLY okay because, they said, they could see it in my eyes that I wasn’t okay and that my non-okayness was starting to reflect in my work. I’d been in difficult situations before and work was the balm to my soul. I could make work work for me. Work helped me cope. If my mental health was starting to affect the one thing that kept me sane and on an even keel, I had to finally admit that I wasn’t at all well. Whilst admitting you have a problem is a step in the right direction, it can also be a rabbit hole that you can go down and never come out of again. That someone talked to me about counseling, the resources that were available, and offered me the support that I didn’t know I desperately wanted. That person might have just saved my life. 

I did what helped me the most when things started to get on top of me. I read and I wrote. I read about my situation, what I felt I needed to figure out, what my options were. I went online, I read through things, I looked at my options, talked to people who’d gone through the same things. I made a pros and cons list. Then I chose a course of action. I got help. I talked to somebody. I talked to a lot of somebodies going through the same things I was going through, professionals who could help me figure out what course of action to take and sort out the spaghetti bowl of tangled thoughts and emotions in my head. It was a lot of work and it took a lot of tears and it got really, REALLY dark for a while. I’m in no means done with this journey, but now I am properly smiling again, from the heart. 

While I think my love for my family and my faith foundation is too established for me to feel so hopeless for me to consider unaliving myself, I did have thoughts and I knew exactly what I needed to do if I decided to actually do what to me would’ve been the unthinkable. But I think my colleague asking me about how I really was saved me from a downward spiral that I was trying to ignore. I believe that if they hadn’t asked the question, I would have ignored everything until it would’ve been quite difficult to extricate myself from the mental tangle I’d allowed myself to be ensnared in.

We need to be brave enough to ask after people around us. We need to learn that asking the difficult questions are important. We need to create safe spaces where people feel secure enough to make themselves vulnerable. We need to break the stigma and start the conversation about mental health. We might just save a life.

Please, please dear friends, make sure you make YOUR mental health a priority. Make sure you take time for yourself. Make sure you practice self-compassion. Kindness and compassion are important for humanity, but it is equally important that we are kind and compassionate to ourselves too.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to ask for help.

If you need it, the meds are there to help too.

Remember that addressing your mental health issues is a journey, you don’t heal instantly. Every step forward is a victory. Take the wins. If you get a setback (and believe me you will, because the work is a habit-setting exercise in the most basic of terms), don’t let it stop you; pause, breathe, find your bearings and find your path, then move forward.

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

If you need to talk, I’m here.

Helpful links:

Yelly Writes

Mea culpa

Yelly

Things you do, when you’re home, alone and recuperating from a bout of Covid, is listen to music…or at least I do! Possibly much to the chagrin of my neighbours, I blast my music out and occasionally warble out loud and pretend I can sing. One of my favourite songs is All Mine by Shedaisy

My favourite lyrics are:
My loss
My lonely
My mistake
Mine only
Mine all, mine all

This song used to fill me with a lot of regret and latent sadness. Because when I used to listen to the song, it just felt like I was accepting status quo and the blame for something that wasn’t entirely something I could control. It felt like I was paying lip service to myself, the people around me and the entire universe and saying “yep, it’s my fault!” because it was expected of me, and that I was going to be blamed for it anyway. I think my rebellious subconscious nature objected to this acquiesence and was trying to stage a strike against just accepting the blame completely and accepting the full weight of responsibility.

These days, I’m completely happy to raise my hand up and say “Yeah, I f*cked that one up – all on me!” because it is all on me. I have no one else to blame but myself. My personal landscape has changed and I am now in the driver’s seat of my life. Well, okay, the somnolent Christian in me knows that I’m not really in control because God has a plan. But I am allowed choices and the choices I make, while possibly crap and not in keeping with what He has planned, are my choices and I am actually prepared to face the consequences of those choices. Because the choices were mine, I was not coerced, gaslit, forced, or bullied into making those choices.

I know I need to gain a better grip on the steering wheel of my life and the intention is to do that. I know that the renovation isn’t going to be quick, because there are so many horrible habits I need to unlearn, so many learned responses I need to decondition and so many thoughts in my head I need to silence. I need to have better conversations with myself and I need to stop the self-sabotage. I need to stop hearing A’s voice naysaying in my head.

I am definitely a work in progress and in no way nearing completion. But at least I am not working towards a blueprint of me that I have control over.