Tag: mental health

Yelly Writes

A belated birthday post

Yelly

My birthday was a few weeks ago but I didn’t celebrate it with a birthday post, like I usually did, because I was working on my birthday (that hasn’t happened in a while either!). As it happened, one of my uni friends was in town from Chicago and we met up for dinner (where I met his partner and his nephew at Din Tai Fung in Covent Garden – I know, random!). So I did have a birthday celebration of sorts. But apart from the virtual birthday greetings from people who actually remembered, my birthday passed relatively uneventfully., which I think I now prefer. I’m not ashamed of the aging, because really you’re only as old as you feel (most days, I think I behave way too immaturely anyway!), but with everything that’s happened in my life in the past 18 months, I think quietly celebrating was the mature thing to do.

I had a doctor’s appointment last Friday to discuss my most recent blood tests. Funnily enough, I’d completely forgotten about the appointment! I was quite fortunate that I’d seen a reminder pop up on my phone (maybe the forgetfulness was a sign of aging?)! I had about 15 minutes to get dressed (I was taking my sweet time having cups of coffee, mindlessly scrolling and posting morning stories on Instagram) and get to the GP’s surgery (it’s probably a 10-minute leisurely walk). I managed to get to the surgery with a few minutes to spare, thank goodness.

I’m a worrier and tend to overthink so by the time I’d checked in for my appointment and sat down in the doctor’s surgery waiting room, I’d already written the day off as a toughie day solely on the premise that I’d completely forgotten about the doctor’s appointment. I’d also had a spectacularly difficult week so I thought it was par for the week’s course! The doctor was late (which was a blessing on some level because I hate making people wait – I’d rather do the waiting!), and normally, I’d be okay with waiting, but I needed to be back at my desk to start working at 9AM because there were so many things I had to get done on a Friday so I was clock-watching.

I was also a tiny bit worried about the blood test results because I was trying to get my hbA1C levels to a good place. I was on a good trajectory, but I tend to self-sabotage especially when things in my life are stressful (and the last few months had been stressy). I’d been doing pretty well because of the weight loss (10,000 steps and 4 liters of water a day!) and I knew that that would put me in good stead, but I also know me…so as usual, I was prepared to hear that my blood glucose levels had gone slightly up (hoping for the best but prepared for the worst?). I mean it would be disappointing, but I also knew that I could deal with it. I just had to work a little harder for the next quarter (I’d been considering something fun like a step class…?).

I really had nothing to fear. The diabetologist had very good news. My hbA1c levels were still going down, my kidney and liver functions were excellent, and my cholesterol was in a very good place. All in all, I got a virtual gold star for my efforts. I was told that if I kept working at it, and I maintained my sugar levels, we could start considering tapering off some of the medication that I was taking (I’m no longer on insulin and exenatide injections so that was a major achievement!). I was told to keep doing what I was doing.

So my week from relative hell did actually end on a positive note (I also had a lovely time in the park with friends, celebrating a friend’s birthday later).

I’m allowing myself to enjoy the fact that I do feel a lot better about myself these days (not just physically, although I feel a lot better about my body – I think I’m a heck of a lot stronger mentally and emotionally as well). I actually like the person I see in the mirror because I actually recognise the person looking back at me. It’s been a long time since I’d seen her.

Yelly Writes

It’s foggy out there!

Yelly

You know when you start something new, it feels like you know nothing, you’re completely inept, you feel slow to respond and everything just makes you panic?

Yeah, that was never me.

I always said that I thrived in challenging situations and, as long as it was a learning environment, I would excel. It was something I was proud of. It was one of my strengths that I always counted on. Adversity never really properly phased me. I would always say to people that I would want to be thrown in the deep end so that I could figure out what I had to do. I would eventually start swimming (and I can actually swim in real life!). I could always adapt and adjust. I was quick to do that. I was good at doing that.

Until recently.

I’m still trying to find out exactly when things became difficult when I couldn’t depend on my ability to think. Because surely, there were signs. There must have been a starting point for this descent into this unfamiliar landscape enveloped by crippling uncertainty. In the past 9 months, I would find myself answering questions with “I don’t know!” and for someone who always “knew” this was a terrifying place to be. How could I not know? How could I not figure it out in my head?

Especially during this time, when I was the only person I could count on, how could I not know things.

I’ve been trying to read up on this and every time I type what I’m going through (I guess you can call it my symptoms), Google just keeps coming up with brain fog. Brain fog is generally characterised by confusion, forgetfulness, a lack of focus, and mental clarity. I’d add anxiety, terror, and self-loathing to that list but I guess those are my specific symptoms.

Brain fog is real and is acknowledged and apparently is caused by stress, nutritional deficits, lack of sleep, hormonal changes, medical conditions…if this was a tick box exercise, I’d say I can tick all the boxes

I’ve finally decided to seek professional advice about it. Because saying “I don’t know” no longer works. The more I say I don’t know, the more terrified I become. I cannot not know. I need to know because I can’t function like this anymore. I am never one to make excuses for my shortcomings. I’ve always admitted to mistakes. I am usually the first to say mea culpa. Saying “I don’t know”, to me , is a cop out.

The doctor’s appointment can’t happen soon enough!

Are you going through something like this? Do you have advice? Do you have any short term quick solutions? Any kind of help is welcome!

I really just want to know who I am again!

Yelly Writes

Bon Retour fellow working folk!

Yelly

So did you go back to work this week? How was it?

To be fair, I was okay. I had a better state of mind, and whilst I was battling some sort of viral infection, I felt okay about going back to work. I think it helped that I was working from home this week and only had to roll out of bed and walk to the work desk I set up in my living room (there was such a huge mindset shift in having a separate workspace area, as opposed to having my desk in close proximity to my bed, let me tell you!).

Apparently, post-holiday blues are now a recognised thing. According to verywellmind, post-holiday blues usually refers to the short-lived mental distress, anxiety and sadness after the holiday season. I’ve always just used it to refer to my reticence about going back to the daily grind. Of course there were days when I really could not face going back to work – the whole getting up, getting in the shower, getting dressed, commuting to work and sitting at my desk was a bit much to contemplate after the holidays. Of course, like everyone else who had a job, I did the adult thing, dragged myself out of bed and sternly gave myself a telling off (verbally, in front of the mirror and mentally, still sometimes in front of the mirror).

After reading through several articles, there seems to be an agreement amongst mental health professionals that the holidays can have an effect on a person’s psychopathology. In the run-up to the holidays (especially Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Diwali), there is the frenetic energy of preparing for it, all those tasks on your to-do list to get things done for friends and family, for all the meals, for the gift-giving, treats for visitors and the children. Then there are those days that you are enveloped in feel-good feelings where you are loved-up, relaxed (or in a contstant state of stress as family or social situations can be stressful!), or marinating in dopamine-producing experiences.

Then of course, there is the huge thump of a landing once the holidays are over; you are back, right smack in the middle of the daily grind. the days are grey, damp, cold and depressing, and everything that made you happy might not be around you anymore. I love Margaret Wehrenberg’s suggestions on Psychology Today for beating the post-holiday blues: to start with, it’s the mindset shift that whatever you’re going through is a change in stimulation and, more often than not, it’s less stimulation so you need to get used to that (so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to adjust); then it’s physical activity (which I think, in my case is finally unpacking completely and finally finding all my comfy sweats because apart from them being comfortable but presentable lounge wear, they’re also warm!); following that you go through a “looking forward” exercise – not resolution-making or massive life goals-setting (because that’s just daunting and you don’t need daunting whilst dealing with the blues!), just planning or thinking about something that you want to do in the new year (in my case it’s getting a lovely tea set and ingredients so that I can invite my friends over and have tea and cake with them in the new place); and finally, you steer clear of any holiday-related reminders, like watching Christmas movies because the post-holiday blues is a rabbit-hole that you don’t want to, like Alice, want to inadvertently fall into.

It’s going to be a difficult few weeks for all of us, perhaps more for some than others. Be kind to yourself (it’s a reminder that has almost become a personal mantra) and if things become difficult, remember to talk about it. I am reminded of a meme that I often see on Instagram: if you’re not speaking out, you’re storing it, and that gets heavy.