Yelly Writes

I forgive me

2016 was a difficult year…for a whole host of reasons.

One of my favourite blogs to read is Sara Tasker’s Me & Orla.  She is living the dreamlife life that I am working towards.  A creative life .  She wrote a post in late October 2016 about the 10 things she forgave herself for.  I was going through a massively difficult period then and I really wished I’d read this post when it was posted!

So I started writing this blog entry in 2017 (I was writing this in February apparently)…possibly in the newness of the year, and I was reflecting on how difficult 2016 was for me (I’d turned 40, my Abba had turned 80, we thought we were going to lose him, I had gone home to visit, and goodness knows how much of an issue my going home always was…that’s possibly another blog entry!). And I hadn’t finished writing it then. There were a lot of reasons why I didn’t finish writing this blog entry then. Reasons, when I think about it now, were probably unbeknownst to me. Things were different then. I think if I’d posted this entry then, I’d be feeling like an awful fraud if I read I’d written then now.

Forgiveness is such a huge thing. I don’t think my definition of forgiveness has changed essentially. It is still underlined by my faith and the love and understanding I’ve received from people who truly love me. I also have a wider understanding that forgiveness, its definitions and characteristics, isn’t necessarily a universal experience as I thought it was. Forgiveness is different for everyone, because everyone is different. Forgiveness has different permutations. I still look at Sara’s list and nod to myself.

I carry a lot of guilt. Maybe it’s because of how I was raised. Maybe it’s because of my inflated sense of responsibility. It might even be because of my religion. I find it hard to fully forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past. Some people might argue with you and say that I have no moral compass and that I am not encumbered by this so-called guilt.

I’ve come to understand that my behaviour or propensity to reoffend is a result of being “unforgiven”. Because I’ve not been allowed to move forward, I’ve allowed myself to carry to carry the unrelenting heaviness of the guilt and have allowed myself to believe that I am destined to repeat cycles of bad behaviour because I don’t deserve forgiveness or that my transgressions will always be held over my head. And they have…been held over my head. Constantly. Repeatedly. When that is done to you, it does something to your core self. Now I’m not saying to be forgiven is for all your transgressions to be forgotten. No. I understand that you have to face the consequences of your actions. But forgiveness allows you a roadmap to redemption.

Yelly Writes

Solo photo walk surprises

@yellywelly on Instagram

I don’t remember taking this photo. But I remember the day I went out on a walk because I needed to stop staying indoors and crying my eyes out. I thought I’d take my camera with me and try to get into photography again. It wasn’t the best of ideas because taking photographs brought back a lot of memories of a life I once thought I was going to live forever. But it gave me something to do that day. It allowed me to focus on something else. It allowed me to look at what was right in front of me, to be in the moment, to focus on what was happening at that very moment.

Funnily enough, I can remember the wind blowing that day, and how refreshing it was, compared to the heat beating down on that lovely sunny day. It was a good day, hot, but the wind blowing was a welcome relief! It was nowhere near as punishingly hot as the heat we went through a few days ago! Now that was a different kind of hot!

I like this photo though! I can never properly set up my camera so that I have sunbursts but sometimes I remember and I do it sort of right. It’s either that, or I get lucky! Ha! I love how the sun gets filtered through the tree branches and the leaves.

I need to review the notes I wrote about camera settings a long time ago. I need to start taking this photography malarkey seriously again. I have all this gear sitting in the bottom tray of my stationery trolley not doing anything. It’s not like it’s fancy gear, mind you. But I do have an amazing camera and a few nifty camera gadgets. Waste not, want not, eh?

Yelly Writes

Starbucks, schmarbucks!

So ages ago, I had a Starbucks account. I need to create one again.

But is it straightforward? Of course not? Apparently, I’ve tried to create an account several times already.

And have I?

Nope. First time today!

That being said, I had a lovely mocha from a local cafe this morning whilst I was running errands. It was made from Perky Blenders beans! Perky Blenders are an East London coffee roasting company. Now it makes sense that there are so many local cafes and stores that carry their grounds and beans!

It’s quite the slow Saturday. I’m allowing myself time to recover from all the goings on during the week. I’m taking today and tomorrow as recharge days. Next week will be busy again.

Yelly Writes

Just writing

I probably have things to say, thoughts to share and interesting opinions to express. But right now, I’m completely devoid of the will to be smart, sassy, and loquacious. Have you ever had a day like that?

I know it’s the day and age of saying what’s on your mind and expressing yourself. But I’ve had a lot of repeat bouts of foot-in-mouth disease and allowing my verbal diarrhea to run riot (possibly not the best choice of words!) has never ended well for me. In fact, I think, the situation I find myself in currently is a result of that – me expressing myself as honestly as possible. Funnily enough, I was asked to be honest, and when I was, it blew up in my face! Go figure, eh? You give people what they want and they still hate it and you. You can’t actually win!

I’ve started watching Emily in Paris on Netflix. Yes, VERY late to that party! But I guess at the time, I would’ve probably not found it as entertaining as I do now.

I do disagree with Emily though, I think London is the most exciting city in the world. London with its quirks and its idiosyncracies. And now that I live in the city suburbs (yes, such an American term, eh), I’m looking forward to understanding this contrary city a little better (if that’s even possible!).

So just putting this out there…a picture I took of Carnaby Street yesterday!

@yellywelly on Instagram