thinking out loud – Yellywelly

Just thinking out loud.

It’s a free country and we’re all allowed the civil liberties that people living in democratic societies have the privilege of enjoying…and taking for granted. We go about our days doing what we want, saying what we want, to a certain extent, acquiring what we want. We live in a society where we can own what we want.

What we forget is that ownership comes with accountability. We are responsible for what we have. We need to care for what we have. We are responsible for the upkeep and maintenance, and ultimately the survival of the things we have: things, property, machines, responsibilities, relationships, etc.

In the same vein, we own what comes from us: our creations, the work we do, the things we say, our actions, how we affect others, how we treat ourselves. We forget that while it is a free world and we can do what we want, when we want, how we want to do it, the guardrail is that we need to ask ourselves the question: should you do it just because you can? Just because it is possible, does it make it desirable? And as an extension, just because you want it, should you have it?

In this world of hyper consumerism and hyper consumption, have we lost the ability to determine the difference between want and need?

So I watched The Life List on Netflix again, and, of course, I bawled like a baby! I promise no spoilers, especially if you haven’t seen it. It’s the kind of girly romance movie that presents an idealized, pre-packaged view of love and romantic relationships. I’m not a cynic, not by a long shot (I’ve read too many Julia Quinn novels several times over to be jaded), to be cynical about love, even after the implosion of a relationship that I thought would last forever. I do sometimes smirk at the sugar coma sweetness of the Hallmark Channel formula movies. But the “true love test” in the movie had me thinking. In the film, it said that if you could answer yes to each of the 4 questions below, it was TRUE LOVE.

1 Are they kind?

2 Can you tell them everything that’s in your heart?

3 Do they help you become the best version of yourself?

4 Can you imagine them as the father/mother of your children?

The questions make me smile. Because I can hear myself saying to someone at 25, “Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a decision.” and seeing their look of confusion (in hindsight, that should’ve been a red flag, but I ignored it) and me patiently explaining what I meant.

Love is a decision. It’s a commitment. Because you decide, for better or for worse (whether it involves the permanency of marriage or not), to love this person, in the good and bad days, when tempers flare and patience wanes, when the sickness is disgusting, when the ick is hard to shift and when disagreements happen. It’s a commitment to stay and work things out, even when things get tough, damnedly uncomfortable and when they don’t particularly look rosy. It’s a promise to stay. It’s a vow to work on improving, changing for the better, and growing together. It’s saying “I got you” to this person and really having them, making sure they know you have them. It’s a pledge to stay accountable to this person. It is an unwritten but very binding contract to work through the warts, farts and smarts that come with adult relationships.

Being loved is an intrinsic need because it encapsulates affection, respect, acceptance, protection, and accountability. Every person has a deep-seated need for it, whether they care to admit it. Love isn’t easy but if you have it, wouldn’t you want to hold on to it, nurture it and cultivate it?