move anniversary – Yellywelly

For most of us, we get stronger slowly, and then get weaker slowly, with our cycles sometimes in synchrony with the land’s health, though other times independent of its larger cycles…You find yourself as you have always been, square in the middle of the metamorphosis, constantly living and dying: becoming weaker in your strength, finally… ― Rick Bass

The passage of time is relative…sometimes it feels like a day is over in the blink of an eye…and then there are days when it feels like time is dragging its heels.

I started writing this post a year to the day that I left my old life in Harwich. At the time, I was marking the anniversary of the day my entire world shattered into a million tiny pieces (I ended up posting a completely different blog entry). I moved away from a life I thought was going to be my forever life because the person I thought was going to be my forever person decided that I no longer belonged in his reality. Whatever his reasons (I’m sure it will be something I did because it was always my fault), I knew that I was no longer welcome in that environment and that I needed to go (my ex-forever person even helped me find a place to move to, wasn’t that nice of him?). While it was very polite and adult, it was becoming a toxic environment with the potential of becoming a powder keg situation. It was healthier for us to be apart rather than together. At the time, I absorbed all the blame, and even managed to convince myself that it was because I was at fault. After a lot of pragmatic soul-searching, I’ve come to accept that while I am to blame for the disintegration of the relationship, the blame is not entirely mine. I’m telling it like it is without any intention of assigning blame. It takes two people to make and break a relationship. It isn’t always 50/50 because relationships will require sharing the burden of balance, and sometimes, sharing the burden of balance requires that you carry more than half the burden. I know now that my understanding of relationships and the kind of compromises one is required to make was so different from his. I think his understanding didn’t factor in the gray areas (or maybe it did – we didn’t have the important discussions because I don’t think he liked laying himself bare because it made him vulnerable. I’ve accepted that he was all about protecting himself above all else). And that’s okay.

Life has certainly changed for me.

My environment has changed. My relationship status has changed. My living arrangements have changed. My appearance has changed considerably. My routine and habits are changing. My mindset is adapting to the changes in my life. My life is in constant flux and the only constant in my life right now is the certainty that change is a constant companion until I am able to settle into a rhythm that fits the person I am growing into. I’ve accepted that I was in a state of arrested development (because I’d willingly given up my life in order to adjust to the demands of my relationship with the ex) and because I’m no longer in that relationship, it’s as if the pause button has been pressed again and my life is moving forward again. To be fair, it’s probably not an accurate description of how my life is moving because I think my life pivoted when I was in my relationship and now that I’m not in it anymore, it’s pivoted again.

My life is pivoting again.

it certainly makes me wonder what my life will look like next year.

It’s a scary but exciting prospect!

Well, okay, strictly speaking, this turn of phrase applies to people moving from the States to the UK, the pond being the Atlantic Ocean, and strictly speaking, the flight route from Manila to Heathrow doesn’t necessarily involve flying over the Atlantic Ocean at all. But allow me the poetic license.

It was 8 years ago, on a hot and muggy afternoon, that I got on a plane with two suitcases and moved to the UK. When I watched The Woman in Gold, a line that the character Gustav Bloch-Bauer said struck me as true for every Filipino who has moved countries: “We [will do] everything to contribute and belong and we are proud of what we’ve done.” This is true not just for every Filipino, but for everyone who has left home to find a better life. For those of us who do, we go to our chosen country, respect and follow its laws, its social mores, its norms, learn the language, the vernacular and its culture. We want to be productive citizens and we want to contribute, we want to make sure that we put our best foot forward because we know, intrinsically, that whatever we do, our actions reflect back on our country, whatever we do forms people’s opinions of our country.

I’ve learned a lot in the 8 years that I’ve moved, about myself and about what I am able to do. But the learning won’t stop there. There are more experiences to be had and more lessons to be learned. God has blessed me with the opportunity to expand my territory, and has surrounded me with people who will always have my best interests and well being at heart who are willing co-travelers with me on this journey of continuous self-discovery (awwwww!!!)♥

Happy moving anniversary to me!