Things you do, when you’re home, alone and recuperating from a bout of Covid, is listen to music…or at least I do! Possibly much to the chagrin of my neighbours, I blast my music out and occasionally warble out loud and pretend I can sing. One of my favourite songs is All Mine by Shedaisy
My favourite lyrics are:
My loss
My lonely
My mistake
Mine only
Mine all, mine all
This song used to fill me with a lot of regret and latent sadness. Because when I used to listen to the song, it just felt like I was accepting status quo and the blame for something that wasn’t entirely something I could control. It felt like I was paying lip service to myself, the people around me and the entire universe and saying “yep, it’s my fault!” because it was expected of me, and that I was going to be blamed for it anyway. I think my rebellious subconscious nature objected to this acquiesence and was trying to stage a strike against just accepting the blame completely and accepting the full weight of responsibility.
These days, I’m completely happy to raise my hand up and say “Yeah, I f*cked that one up – all on me!” because it is all on me. I have no one else to blame but myself. My personal landscape has changed and I am now in the driver’s seat of my life. Well, okay, the somnolent Christian in me knows that I’m not really in control because God has a plan. But I am allowed choices and the choices I make, while possibly crap and not in keeping with what He has planned, are my choices and I am actually prepared to face the consequences of those choices. Because the choices were mine, I was not coerced, gaslit, forced, or bullied into making those choices.
I know I need to gain a better grip on the steering wheel of my life and the intention is to do that. I know that the renovation isn’t going to be quick, because there are so many horrible habits I need to unlearn, so many learned responses I need to decondition and so many thoughts in my head I need to silence. I need to have better conversations with myself and I need to stop the self-sabotage. I need to stop hearing A’s voice naysaying in my head.
I am definitely a work in progress and in no way nearing completion. But at least I am not working towards a blueprint of me that I have control over.
Yellywelly 